the comfort box needs to be crushed

Tonight I went to this really awesome bible study with people from school. We talked a lot about stepping outside of our comfort boxes- I know I need to do that and make more of an effort to witness. One of the main things that sticks out from tonight is: one of the guys said that there are 3 respnses someone can have when you talk to them about God: accept him, reject him, or brush it off. There is a 33.3% chance each of those things will happen, but they should all be worth it for you to tell them. 1-If they believe and want to accept what you saying about God- tahts incredible! Now they have an eternity in heaven. 2-If they reject him, oh well, you've planted a seed and you will still be going to heaven. The fear of rejection is no reason to keep from telling someone about God's love. YOU'VE GOT NOTHING TO LOSE. 3- They brush it off. That means it is still open for discussion unless GOd closes it. So in conclusion, all three of these are gaurunteed 100%. God will give you the strength and wisdom when he leads you to tell someone about him. Just have faith. (I am preaching to myself also).

John 1:5- "The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it."

God and I love you

this is love

The last song I posted was my 2nd favorite song of all time, this is my definite favorite ever...


This Is Love by Cool Hand Luke

Is this love
or something to think of?

We fool ourselves for comfort,
We're swayed by every wind.
And if this isn't true love,
then we can just pretend.
But what is love?

This is love
that you would die for me.

Is this real
or something to feel?

Confused by our emotions,
confused by what we see.
We trade in our patience,
for false security.
But is this love?

This is love,
that you would die for me.

When I'm falling down,
you save me.
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Romans 3:31- "Only when we trust Jesus can we truly obey him."

Romans 4:4,5- "...being saved is a gift; if a person could earn it by being good, then it wouldn't be free- but it is! For God declares sinners to be good in his sight if they have faith in Christ to save them from God's wrath.

Romans 5:1- "Since we have been made right in God's sight by faith in his promises, we can have real peace with him because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us."
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I want to be a good person. I want to be a leader. I am lazy. I don't follow through. i am indecisive- I am the baby of the family. Yes, lame excuse. I want to get into people's minds, I love to figure people out.

I want to be someone people can feel comfortable talking to. I dont want to be someone that doesn't take good advice when I need it-but that's who I am.

A friend of mine bugs me so much because I can always tell when she really needs to talk about it but it's so freakin hard to get her to talk, but she eventually will. So that happened tonight and i didnt get a chance to really talk to her- I'll have to call her tomorrow- it's really irritating.

Random, I know...

Isn't God's grace unbelievable? I hate that i take it for granted so much. Someday I'll learn.

if it would all just leave my mind...

So...I'm really getting sick of everything that's been on my mind lately...Let's see...college and decisions-to go away, stay home and go local, estitition school? Friends that I miss and cant hang with anymore..., highschool-and getting work done and thinking i should make more friends and witness... Writing letters and raising money by the end of November to go to Israel (Israel's the one thing i dont mind thinking about)... hating myself for all my weaknesses that I cant overcome, and appearantly dont have enough trust either... thinking about my girls at church and how we need to get together more-maybe have accountability groups or something- but ive had so much to do lately that I havent gone through with any of my ideas to do that... I know I need to be in the word more (the bible) and spending a heck of lot more time with my heavenly daddy, and I hate that I havent been making more of an effort... and thinking about the tragedy that Mason High and Scarlet went through this week with the death of another student. I feel so totally numb to that now- like I dont feel like it actually happened and when it does register I dont even have a reaction to it. Of course I'm sad for his friends and family-but its like every year something like this happens so it doesnt come as such a shocker anymore or something- and I feeel horrible about that.
After I like get mad or have a pity party for myself about being busy ever (which isnt that often), or decisions or anything- I hate myself for it because I know so many people have things a lot worse than me, and I;m just being a spoiled, stubborn brat when I dont listen to what God is telling me what to do about all these things...
I pray that I will listen to my own advice to other people about things and apply it to my own life...

It's so stupid that I ask for all these answers and dont have the patience to wait for the answers... how ignorant is that?

"You know how full of love and kindness our Lord Jesus was: though he was so very rich, yet to help you he became so very poor, so that by being poor he could make you rich." 2 Corinthians 8:9 (The Living Bible)

I dont want pity (I dont know why I would deserve it anyway) I just want to spend more time with God

If I could only obey...

One of my most favorite songs of all time:

Paradigm by All Together Separate

Everybody loves a rose
Will you be thankful for the thorns?
Love is easy when you're loved
Do you curse another when you're alone?

Oh I give my life to you
So I can gain it back again
I stand solid while the paradigm is shifting

You say live and let live
But people are dying everyday
And you say that what I dont know wont hurt me
But if what I do not know is the very thing I need
Then I say...

I give my life to you
So I can gain it back again
I stand solid while the paradigm is shifting

Humanity sees truth
through shattered window panes
That block the view
but plant a seed
So we draw the curtains to a close but I say
That the sun can still shine
Behind a closed mind
And sticks and stones do hurt
When tossed from the tongue of mankind

Oh I give my life to you
so I can gain it back again
I stand solid while the paradigm is shifting
Away...
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I love it.

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. -Psalm 37:4

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him... -Psalm 37:7

A curse

Today has been a really crappy day both inside and out. In first bell we were all informed that a Mason student was killed in a weather related car accident last night. I knew the guy but I wasn't close to him at all. Every year someone dies (or comes close) from Mason. I swear we are all cursed. It doesn't matter if you go to a different school now, or have even graduated...I feel we will never be free from the curse, it's inevitable.

I feel like I have kinda lost a best friend. It's a friend that I guess I have majorly taken for granted in the past. We didnt get into a fight or anything, but I feel like certain circumstances are going to prevent us from hanging out anymore. I'm not mad or anything. I'm actually really happy for him, but I just hate change and know our friendship really won't be the same (for awhile, at least). We haven't talked in like over 2 weeks- but I did leave a message on his machine yesterday. If anyone is reading this- please pray that it won't be weird for either of us when we're around eachother and that I won't be so selfish about this whole thing. Thanks.

high school

I feel like such a loser. Tomorrow is homecoming and today we had a pep rally to get everyone excited for it and for the game tonight. So I went to school, stayed for the first 3 periods and left before the pep rally. Why don't I have school spirit? I don't know, that's why I asked you. There were probably like 20 people out of the entire 2400+ student body that werent wearing green (our school color). Of course, I was one of them. But I was half spirited: I was wearing my "senior" shirt, but it is orange, pink, and yellow tie-dye. I dont hate school. I do try to be involved in some things: I am in HOPE club (a community service club) and FCA (fellowship of christian atheletes)- but ive only been to one of those meetings so far.
I guess I dont like going to pep rallys because I dont like pretending like I'm having fun. I have friends at school but theres only like one that I actually hang out with outside of school. I mostly hang out with people from my church, my sister, and the bond girls :)
Part of me felt horrible driving home because I feel like I should want to have school spirit and be involved. I guess I just feel like there's so much more than high school- why get myself sucked in? High school is such a small part of life. So many people look at me like i have 3 heads when I say i dont really like school. "But high school is supposed to be the best years of your life!" They say. Dont get me wrong, I'm sure I'll look back and say that ages 13-18 were like the funnest experiences- but pretty much most of those experiences will be times I hung out with people outside of school- not actually HS itself. I just dont feel like I'll miss it much when I'm gone (which will be FEBRUARY!!! Crazy...) I'm such a nerd- I'll probably miss some of my teachers more than students. I've had some really awesome teachers that have taught me a lot more in life than just algebra or english.

I'm done reflecting or whatever you wanna call it.

By the way... I am listening to the Rock and ROll Worship Circus- yall need to go hear them if you dont know who they are--they freaken ROCK.

I love you.

Poem

AT LAST...

Oh, to finally see your face
So bright with radience
I have been saved by amazing Grace
I can no longer control my patience

To be by your thrown in Heaven
I can't even comprehend
What it will be like
To be reunited with family and friends

To see everyone there
I can think of nothing better
The world will never compare
And we are all finally again together

HE is my comfort

Jesus amazes me everyday. Yesterday I was totally stressing out about school. I had a 5 page play (I had completed one page so far), a research paper, a debate paper for my Government class, and a small assignment in another class all due Friday. But I completed the debate paper last night so i wouldnt have as much to do today and tomorrow. So I go into school today and my creative writing teacher says that he is pushing back the due date on the Play to next Tuesday! Wow, I was extremely relieved. Next bell was English, and out of nowhere my teacher says she is pushing back the research paper to be due on Monday!! How awesome is that?! God knew my worries and appearently He thought it was too much for me to handle (or He just decided to make me happy). I love HIm.

Thanks Lord, for lightening up my load for now! I really needed that. I love you.

Quality time with Grandpa

So today I went to lunch at Twin Dragon with my grandpa, "Pa" as he is called in "grandkid" terms. It was good- I havent really spent a whole lot of time just talking to him. We talked alot about the bible and things going on in Isreal today. And I asked him what he thought about my possibly going to Isreal in February. He said he thinks it's still really dangerous over there but it would be such a wicked awesome experience. (He didnt actually say "wicked awesome" in our conversation...but I thought it would add more emphasis to my excitement.) He is a very wise man and is interesting to have conversations with. Especially about the bible considering he has been a pastor for like over 40 years. God has blessed me with such awesome grandparents.

It's hard for me sometimes to understand that some things in the bible actually happened. I mean i totally do believe it happened becuase it's obviously in the bible, but it's like the whole world is so set on the "I have to see it to believe it" kinda stuff. And sometimes I get sucked in. For example, the fact that Jonah actually lived inside a whale for days. That's hard to believe, ya know? And I immediatly think about how he could have lived through the whale's whole digestion process but I stop my thinking in the middle--I need to stop thinking so techniqually and moreso with faith. I mean of course it happened...GOD made it happen and he can do all things. But sometimes it makes me think: if I don't have the faith that things in the bible happened, how will I have the faith that he will guide me in my own life? I know "If you even have faith the size of a small mustard seed you can do miraculous things" (my own paraphrase from Luke 17:6). But at times I don't even feel that I have faith as small as that. I'm so horrible because I'm always trying to encourage people that God will get them through things and that he will direct them where they need to go- but I don't even listen to myself and apply what I say to my own life- isn't that considered hypacritical? I do believe that God is going to guide me the next few months to where I'm supposed to be (college and whatnot..) but sometimes I feel like I'm never gonnna get those answers. But I have to tell myself during those times the same things I tell other people: God is going to give you the answers that you need...

I love Psalm 91 (below are vs. 1, 2, 5, 11, 12, 14-16 from the Living Bible):
"We live within the shadow of the Almighty, sheltered by the God who is above all gods. This I declare, that he alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I am trusting him... You don't need to be afraid of the dark any more, nor fear the dangers of the day... He orders his angels to protect you wherever you go. They will steady you with their hands to keep you from stumbling against the rocks on the trail... For the Lord says, "Because he loves me, I will rescue him; I will make him great because he trusts in my name. WHen he calls on me I wil answer; I will be with him in trouble, and rescue him and honor him. I will satisfy him with a full life and give him my salvation."

Sorry that was long. I would, however, recommend reading all of ps. 91. It's really great. Thanks for reading so much- it's my longest blog so far! I love you guys.

To Blog Or Not To Blog...

I was very hesitant about creating this for myself...half the time what I'm thinking doesn't even make sense to me so why would it on here? And who would read my nonsense? It's not like a private journal where I can discuss certain people with myself about with them not knowing about it. So why am I even doing this? (You may be wondering). I guess its a way for people to get into my head (the times it does make sense) and possibly learn more about me. And everyone and their brother has something like this-- so why shoudlnt I? I know... that's wayy lame. Okay, so I'm a poser- whatever. Who knows if this will work out for me anyways...I'll just try it all out for now.

Today has been a weird day. It's like one of those days I just want to go listen to some emo music and cry or something. But instead of doing that I decided to write. I cant exactly describe my problem, its not really a problem though... just something stupid. I'm done. See that, I cant even write what i want to. Yes, I care about what people think. I'm a freak. I should go read my bible now.

I'm out yall... see you on the flipp side