its a beautiful day

hey all.

So yes, I'm back. Thanks for all the prayers and thoughts this week. They were appreciated.

We got home saturday around 6:30 but I haven't really wanted to talk to anybody yet. Been thinking about a lot and just needing a bit more of a break.

Its been a weird day. I went to bed around 9:30 last night from being so tired and woke at 6:30...45 min before my alarm went off. i love sleep. And barely ever get up before I have too. But I was having a freaky dream and woke up trying to get my mind off of it and ended up thinking about the next few months and how to get back to New Orleans, my new love. I haven't been able to quit thinking about it since we left. Actually, I think it was the 2nd day we were there, I decided that I was definitly going back. Well at the moment I wanted to live there. But we'll just pretend for now like its a short term thing.

This trip was amazing. I met a lot of great people who I now feel like I've known for years. There were 9 of us and I didnt know any of them.... and now I'm so glad that I really didnt know any body going. It was really good for me.

So New Orleans....
parts of it were sad because 20 months after hurricane Katrina, some parts of the devastated city haven't been touched yet.

And not very many people, especially up here, know about that because it doesn't make the news or anything anymore. So everyone just assumes that its back to normal, which is so far from the truth. Its just a mess. And the whole fema money thing is a joke. Nobody can afford to rebuild. Especially when they have to pay people to come gut their house first so that they can either start over from there or have it demolished. And many of the people that will do that cost $1 a sq. foot to gut a house.

The amazing thing is that there are organizations that take in volunteers to gut houses free of charge. So that's what our group did. IT was very hard work, but I loved every minute of it.

The first house we went to had not been touched in 2 years. So all of this lady's things were still there, such as furniture, clothes, all personal belongings. You don't realize how much "stuff" a person, or family, has until you have to drag it all out. There were roaches all over, and in some cases rats (we only saw a dead one), and black mold all the way up the walls.

But through all that the city is continuing to go through, I see so much hope there in people. We worked on an apartment duplex toward the end of the week and the homeowner came to see us working a couple of days and I just fell in love with her because of the joy you could see in her. And she was so incredibly appreciative of us being there. And that made it all so worth it.

So I've been thinking about a lot sense coming home. Getting back hasnt been too great, though. I miss it all so much. I definitly want to go back and I'm even thinking this summer would be great. I'm not sure if I'd go for a week or two, or even like 2 months. BUt I know i want to go. Its just hard planning with school and stuff. I start school at the christ hospital school of nursing in August, but I think i have some deadlines to deal with and getting things done and turned in during the summer... so that sort of makes me nervous about leaving. And also I started classes
back at cincy state where I am just taking anatomy 2 which should transfer. But yesterday I started thinking about not going to school this term. This term lasts the next 9 weeks. That takes us to June 18, I think. Which is kinda a chunk of the summer. Not taking it now would just mean that I would have to take it in AUgust (it is not a pre-req for the christ school). And it would be free then bc school is getting paid for if I agree to work with the hospital 3 years following graduation. Taking it at cincy state is $400. It would be nice to get it out of the way but there just seem to be so many more pros to waiting. And if I decided not to take it now, I could work for the next few months and save up money for if I do decide to go back to New Orleans for the summer. AAhhh.. so much still to think about. And I need to decide this week so I can get money back if I decide to drop my class. I'm still trying to work all this out in my head.

Anybody have any thoughts/insight/advice?

Its really gonna kill me though to be away from baby O if I end up going for the summer.

I was sitting in class today writing notes but my brain was on "auto-pilot". I have no idea what she really talked about today because all i was thinking about was all this.

I'm praying that God will give me some answers, at least about school, this week.

I uploaded the rest of my pics and you can view them here:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/sabeth/
I took almost 200 but I wish I would have taken more. I didn't even get a group shot! BUt I know someone else did so I'll just steal it when they share.

I love you all.
I think its a new day for me. And it is beautiful.

Happy Easter charlie brown

(Reese and Reagan)

Hello all.

Happy Easter.

Its been a good day with the family. I love getting together with all the fam. Its fun. Especially with the little ones.



So tomorrow I am off to New Orleans. I'm anxious, nervous.. but mostly excited about what is to come. I'm sure my future self would be rolling eyes and saying "You have NO idea". But we'll see :)

Pray for us.. and the others... and the city. It isn't really on the news much anymore but there is still so much devastation down there.

I love you. See yall when I get home!

Saying of the day: "I WANNA EAT YOUR FACE!"



i love them.

the letter..

Hey I know I've been going on about the Christ Hospital school for awhile now. I want to thank you all for the prayers but I regret to inform you that... you'll have to listen to me talk about it more because I got the letter today and am accepted in!!! I'm so relieved. So I guess I start in august. I think I have told many of you already by now... and if I didn't that means you either didn't answer your phone or maybe I just didn't call you and I'm sorry. But now you know! So thank you thank you for the prayers. I may not actually be saying that in a few months when I'm overwhelmed with school... hopefully it won't be that bad but I hear its a very difficult program.
I love you all.


"May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us."

smell the rain, it is delicious

Today has been one of those terrifically depressing days. And I love it. Maybe that makes me terrifically depressing? On my way home from church, as it began to sprinkle, I decided it is a great day to run outside. So i did. And it was amazing. I put on a jacket, some headphones and headed out. I've just been feeling lately like there's too much stuff in my head. I'm getting sick of myself. And running usually helps me deal with that. Listen to great music, perhaps have a great conversation with the God I have been recently neglecting. Well it was less a conversation and more me apologizing for being so self-centered and just unhappy... when I have SO much to be happy and thankful for. Its just amazing to me how we live in the richest country in the world and still crave to have more... and yet the people who live in countries that have nothing are relatively satisfied with what they have (or don't have) because they haven't experienced anything else.
Well I know why I've been unhappy/disappointed/anxious/dissatisfied... I definitly havent been living to my full potential. I'm not really sure how to do that. And I'm not saying that my life will be perfect if I figure that out, but I think I will be able to experience real joy. I've also forgotten how to really love people.. aside from the ones I'm around all the time and love unconditionally already.
I can't deny I miss my previous church family. For some reason its been worse the past few weeks.. maybe bc i saw many of them last week. Change is hard. But I am moving on.. slowly.
Anyway, I love the Vineyard and their vision right now... the healing center, student center, and their vision to dig wells for clean water in Nigeria. That's just amazing to me. So many people talk about helping out with things like this. But to be able to help out and know exactly where your money is going, and witness this, is a magnificent example of sharing God's love with others. I am in love with this vision, as they are.
The vineyard is also sending groups down to New Orleans to help clean up some of the devastations of Katrina. I am also very excited about this and am planning on going April 9-14. If anyone else is interested let me know!! The cost is only $250, which really isnt bad at all. There are also trips March 3-10, March 19-25 (this one is $350), March 31-April 7.

So today has gotten progressively better. I hope it stays this way.

I love showing off my adorable cousins... here are 2 more .. (different ones than the last blog).



EMMA RAE (9 mo.)...
and.. HANNAH MARIE... (3 yrs)

They are gorgeous children.

k bye :)

foes and parties

hello friends (and maybe foes).
So I find out in a few weeks if I got into the Christ hospital nursing school...so please pray that I make it in!!! I've been back and forth about wanting to get in and have decided that it relaly would be a great opportunity and really want to get in!! I'm really scared that I won't.. so I'm trying not to get my hopes up.
Also... my parents are going out of town this week and I've been thinking about maybe having people over like next friday (march 2nd?).. not that I cant have people over when there here, but this way its easier to plan. I may actually have to babysit friday... so we'll see. What do you all think? Is anyone free next friday?
This is kinda a lame update but I just dont feel like expounding at this time.

countdown to baby "O" Bird: 10-11 weeks!!

introducing.....

REESE
and...
REAGAN

They are my cousin's little girls. And they are cute. That's all.

I PASSED!!

So I just got online to check the results of my state test and I passed it with a 90%!! I'm alittle bummed that I even missed that much but still... I passed it!! I dont have to do it again! As soon as the page popped up a dance song came on the radio and I totally couldn't contain myself! I danced like a maniac!.. I'm sure it was probably hI-larious to watch bc I really can't dance but it felt really good. I'm glad no one was home :)

love you!

God is still answering prayers

I told many of you this morning that my grandma (dad's mom..in colorado) had a stroke last night. Well she is doing much better and I thank you all for the prayers!! They worked! Apparently she wasnt feeling good last night then woke up vomiting early in the morning. My brother and Trishia are visiting them this week which has been good support for my gpa.. they took her to the hospital and trishia was talking to her trying to get her to squeeze her hand but she wouldnt respond...she just stared blankly at nothing. But they were thankful that she was in stable condition. She got better as the day went on and trishia even said shes now laughing and talking like her old self. She's 83, and we know shes not going to live forever,but if you knew her you wouldnt think she was 83. She's very energetic and enthusiastic, and loves to exercise and dance :) Espeically to the old classics like the Beatles, Beegees, the Birds.. She's pretty hilarious. Shes been relatively healthy, but she did have heart surgery a few years ago. So the doctors did an MRI and said she had a minor stroke and a rapid recovery. Thank the LOrd. It was really great that brett and trishia were there, though. Brett said my grandpa was really emotional. Trishia works at a hospital so as soon as it all happened she got in "work mode" and apparently was great trying to talk with my gma.. getting her to respond, and calming my gpa, .. and talking to the doctors.
This morning it was like my life stopped inside my head. All my whining and stress and complaining about stupid petty things went away for a few hours. I'm so stessed and focused on the most trivial things. I make this life seem so much harder htan it is sometimes.
I kinda mentioned this at bible study last night but I feel like ive gotten so much more cynical the past year or so... well i guess its been about 2 years now... I think it kinda started when I went to Israel. But anyway... I hate it. I feel like I've lost the joy that I once had and I don't know how to get it back. I really dont know where to start. Well i know it partly has some to do with me becoming more self-consumed. I dont know if anyone else has noticed it but I have.. I've been more infocused.. instead of outfocused on other people and things. I of course care about the people close to me... I guess I'm thinking about the people I dont know... the friends I could have.. the experiences I'm missing from not opening up to people I dont know yet. I remember being so happy and so full of joy when I was younger. But "ignorance is bliss" sometimes.. and innocence. Like I said last night.. I hope this is a phase. But I fear that its not because I dont think I'll ever forget the events/people that have helped this cynicism get worse the past 2 years. I guess thats an issue of forgiveness? I dont know.

I just thank God for healing my grandma today. I want to go see her so bad but I didnt want to see her like she was today. I lose hope sometimes. And I know that if her health did get worse... or if it does continue to do so.. I konw that doesnt mean that GOd isnt there or he isnt listening. But him healing her for today does give me that encouragement I need to kick me in the butt for feeling at all hopeless.
So thanks again for the prayers. They work.

plans

Hey friends. How is everyone? I feel like its been busy... but as most of you know I really don't have a whole lot going on. I have school 2 days a week and work 2-3 days a week. I actually am planning on applying to a little bakery down the street. They need someone from 5am-1pm which sounds crazy, especially considering I am mostly not a morning person. But I think I could deal with it a few days a week and I do need the extra money. And I'm still debating/deciding on when I will try for a hospital job. I just see that as being locked in and not able to have a life otherwiese. But I know I'll have to get over it. As far as school goes I'm still not sure whats gonna happen. I just have to take chemistry (which I am taking now... and hopefully will pass with a C so I dont have to retake it), and anatomy 1 (taking next term) then I will be on the waiting list for clinicals at Cincy State. The wait could be anywhere between 6 months-2.5 years. I'm still waiting on Christ Hosptial Nursing school to seeif I get inthere.. I find out in March and am getting anxious. THe next 2 years of my life could be planned when I find out if I've gotten in. Part of me really wants it and the other part... has other things on the mind. So I really have no idea what my life will look like 2 years... even 8 months from now. I just hope that I one day find some kind of career that I enjoy doing... my fear is that I will get into this program and not want to do it halfway through.
As far as life outside of school... not too exciting. I don't hate my job right now. I think for now I'm gonna hold out until I really do get a stable job in a hospital or something..before I quit. But I'd still work at the orthodontist if I took that bakery job too. Its pretty sad that the most exciting part of my week is anticipating and watching Grey's anatomy and the office on thursday night. Nobody should be this excited to watch a tv show. I'm such a loser... but then again so is 80% of the US... everyone loves Grey's! Its like the flu or something... the excitemtn is contagious. OK now I'm talking about it too much.
Well Grey's isnt my only excitment... every day I get a little more syked about Baby Bird!! We only have like 3-3.5 months left to wait!! I love babies :)
I hope you all are well. Love you dearly.

SA

NEW YORK

hey kids... i uploaded pics from new york. It was so much fun. I espeically loved not having to drive and buy gas and all that jazz.
Here's my flickr site to look at the pics!...
http://flickr.com/photos/79516616@N00/

love yous... merry christmas!!

loves it

This is my favorite kid, Austin, wearing what I got him for christmas. It was so funny. He is so adorable!

i have great friends

Thanks to everyone that was there last night to surprise me!! I know I'm not the greatest at showing surprise and amazement but I was definitly those things!! I thought I was pretty good at figuring out surprises but I lose this round... good job guys. And Kyoung-- I am sooo disappointed in you that you lied to me. I really don't think I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm TOTALLY KIDDING! I love you and you were AMAZING.. you should become a professional liar. Or not. That wouldnt be very good..what am i saying?
So thanks again..totally surprised.. probably one of the best birthday gifts so far. (aside from NYC... sorry:) ) It was GREAT. You all get 50 gold stars!

LOVE YOUS

birthdays are fun

favorite birthday gift?.... finding out me and lindsay are going to new york dec 19th for 3 days!! funtimes.

a quick look back and cringe

Wow... its been over a year. I hate knowing that drama will continue to be a part of life forever.

I'm sick of trying to do this on my own.
I'm sick of not having a church to call my home. (didn't mean to make that rhyme:)
I'm sick of knowing its my fault..i can do something to change that.
I'm sick of being too lazy to change that
I'm sick of knowing that deep down many of my friends are still wounded.
I'm sick of not knowing what to do to help them.

I'm sick of hurting people..and not necessarily knowing that I am until its too late.


ok there was my vent for the night.



i love steak and new york city

FLOWER BABY

I can't get over this picture. It is so cute I want to hurt myself. This is my highschool sophomore teacher's 3 month old baby. She's one of the only people I've kept in contact with from highschool (funny... this just proves even moreso how I didnt have many longlasting friends in HS :)
She emailed me today and told me she had the baby and sent me a website for some pics... She is so freakin cute. Her name is Addison Grace. I wanted to ask her if she watches Grey's anatomy :) But I didnt.

So we definitly have to think about getting a costume like this for baby bird :)

lazy christmas and baby birds

HEY!
I still love you all.
I feel like such a lazy bum... I've had 6 days off of school for thanksgiving (i only have tues/thurs classes). I had class today till 12 but i dont go back till thurs. And I dont work today or tomorrow. But I know i should just shut up and enjoy it... which i totally AM! mY parents have been gone for the weekend.. they left thursday morning and coming home tonight at midnight. I cant lie its been great having space from them for a few days.. and the house is so much quieter! I know they had a great time though... they went to colorado to see my dad's parents and brother and his fam. He loves being with his family.. no matter how awkward it used to be bc some weird stuff happened between all of us a few years ago.. but most of that is cleared up now.
I dont remember who I've told what to.. but I have applied to Christ Hospital school of nursing and will find out in march. I'd really like to be accepted so then i can finish in 2 years from august instead of 4 or more at cincy state. I am still currently going to cincy state and will continue if I dont get into Christ.
I really want to go somewhere. Every few months I get "cabin fever" and want to go..anywhere... just to get out of here for a bit. I hate feeling like things are getting stagnant in life. But Christmas is coming up soon so I know it wont be a problem to hold that off for a little while longer. Me and Lindsay were talkign about going to new york around jan/feb but I'm not sure if its actually going to happen bc her work schedule and both of our lack of moneys.
SO yes... Christmas is coming up! My dad has been super excited or somethng because he put up all our lights and tree and everything up last week before he left for colorado. He acted like that was his only chance to do it but really there's not much more lawncare to do before he's off for the winter. I was initially not excited about christmas for some reason.. but im starting to get into it. I'm like more than half finished with christmas shopping already... i know its crazy. I still want to go to the outlet malls before christmas! Anyone interested? Well.. that is if i have money by that time. My birhtday is coming up so that should give me more money for christmas (a perk of having bday close to christmas :-/ )

Time is going so fast. The only good thing about that is baby bird will be here soon!! But he/she will grow up so fast. I cant wait to be a part of that though!

k I'm bored of this now. I love yous!!
I finally updated now its all of your turns!!


fergalicious

funny conversation

CHAD (a friend of mine from school): So why do you like Jimmy Fallon so much?

ME: Well im not as into him as I obviously used to be... but he is adorable and so funnny. I dont really know how it all started... I saw him.. our eyes met.. he said hello and the next thing I knew we were riding off into the sunset on a large white horse.

CHAD: wow, that sounds romantic

ME: yeah it was...

_______________________________________
GOTTA LOVE JIMMY FALLON

Dancing Maniac

unconscious dreams

So I had this dream last night that I was walking home and I saw 3 tornadoes touch down.. so I started running. I got home and no one was home. I decided to go in the basement because its the safest place and when I went down there the basement was filled with bikes and my sister was down there too..

So I'm really into dreams and I like to look up meanings. I went to this website: www.hyperdictionary.com
and looked up tornadoes and it said "Seeing a tornado in your dream, suggests that you are experiencing some extreme emotional outbursts and temper tantrums. Is there a situation or relationship in your life that may be potentially destructive? Dreaming that you are in a tornado means that you are feeling overwhelmed and out of control. You will be met with a series of disappointments for the next week or so. Your plans will be filled with complications. Seeing several tornadoes in your dream, represent people around you who are prone to violent outbursts and shifting mood swings. It may also symbolize a volatile situation or relationship."

I also looked up bicycle: "Dreaming that you are riding a bicycle means your desires to attain a balance in your life. You need to balance work and pleasure in order to succeed in your current undertakings. Dreaming of a bicycle indicates that you need to devote time to leisurely pursuits and recreation."

So apparently I'm a little mentally and possibly emotionally overwhelmed.

Dreams...

So today I don't want to be a nurse. Today I want to travel and take pictures of everything I see. I was looking up mission trips today. I haven't found any that I am particularly passionate about. All of them are about going somewhere to help out with local churches and walk around to talk to people about God. Which is great and all but not what I'm interested in. I want to go somewhere and actually DO something.. like KHO... fix up or build a house.. something to do with physical labor. Some may think I'm crazy but I love it. I loved KHO and I think that serving like that speaks so much louder than any words that could be said. And I want to go out of the country because I adore different cultures and people and their ways of life. Of course I went into nursing wanting to work with kids and help people but I am growing so impatient!! This "2 year" program is turning out to be so much longer and I just dont know if I have the pertinacity (yes, big word, be proud... sorry if I used it wrong) to stay with it for that long!!
I know what some of you will say "Then go travel and take pictures!!" But its not that easy. You need money to travel. You need a job to make a living. Someday I'll live out my dreams... but for now I'll tread on where I am.

fun with new pics

http://www.flickr.com/photos/79516616@N00/

NEW CAMERA!!!

This lady at best buy yesterday was understandably trying to talk me into getting the $900 SLR camera which would have a lot more features and everything but we all know I can't afford that. But I was pretty much settled on this camera before I even got to the store. Plus it was $300+ less than the SLR. Gotta love sales.


Here's some pics I took today...







LOVES IT.

I'm really not trying to rub it in, I'm just really excited!!

k bye.

rabbits

At cincy state I'll stay...
I cant say I love it.. but I dont hate it either and I dont feel like I'm supposed to be anywhere else at the moment.

back to CCU?

Why did I feel like I was so busy in the summer? I did nothing. Actually I am pretty pissed at myself for not working 2 jobs when I had the perfect opportunity to make a lot of money. Now I need it and don't have the time... well, as much time. Getting past the first week of classes was rough.. but now that I;m sort of in a routine its not as bad. I try not to dread it becuase it only makes it worse if I expect it to be bad. So today I decided to be non-social and have a lazy day. It really feels good to have days like that. I watched many grey's anatomy episodes (still have like 14 or so to go before I finish the 2nd season!!) The new season starts thursday..not much time. I am definilty addicted..so addicted.
I got a letter in the mail today from CCU (the school I went to last year..but no longer attending) stating my current balance for this semester which is -3.71... they would owe us 3.71 because of the scholarships i would recieve there. It makes no sense that I didnt even register there this semester and its paid for.. but the school I am going to I get nothing. Is it dumb to think its a sign to go back to CCU since it will be paid for through scholoarships? I know I've talked about school so much you're probably sick of hearing about it but here i go again... some days I feel i could do this nursing thing.. but I dont want to be just the nurse..I want to be higher in the chain and actually do more than get bossed around. Of course Grey's Anatomy is in my head right now, and therefore a large influence in my thinking today. And yes I am living vicariously through those surgeons each episode I watch but I konw I couldnt do that all the time. I dont want my career to be my life, I actually want a family of my own some day.
Sometimes I feel like I should have been born like 50 years ago when women didn't have many rights--as far as careers go. I definilty wouldnt have been a feminist. Call me lazy and dependent alll you want but I'd be satisfied being the stay at home mom while the husband works. That doesnt mean thats whats gonna happen..I'm just saying I wouldnt mind it. There was so much less pressure back then to have a career.. but I guess there was a lot more pressure on getting married young.

OK I'm done... dont exactly know where all that came from.. I guess a day off not doing much but thinking will do that to ya.

So I got an email from the professor that took us to Irael and he said that the Greece trip is on for spring break. And he thinks it will be around $1800-2000. Thats a lot less than i originally thought it would be. ANyone else intereseted in going to Greece?? I'm still not positive I'm going but I really want to go!.. It just depends if I can be off of school during CCU's spring break and if I can get the money in time.

Thats all.

school dayz... woo hoo

So I'll let napolean dynamite help me out with this one... (click on the link)

http://www.reelwavs.com/movies/sounds/napoleon_dynamite/howwasschool.wav

Gotta love it!
Well maybe he is exaggerating... it wasn't the worst day of my life but it was freaking long. So here's my yesterday schedule:

7:30..Left for school, sat in traffic and got there in time for class
8:30-9:45.. psychology
9:50-10:45.. Went by the financial aid office and found out I'm getting no help this term..and the money is due next week. Loves it. I proceeded to find my next class but ended up in the cafeteria. Grabbed some chips and sat to read until
11:00-1:50..Chemistry. I hated it with a passion. I should be taking anatomy right now but because I didn't take both parts of chem in highschool I have to do them over. Suck. It was aweful. THe professor sort of looked like a muppet..I dont know their names so i cant tell you which one. 3 hours of sitting..hearing this guy talk about something that I probably should've been listening to. We did have two 15 min breaks in there.
2:00..left school and as I pulled out of the parking garage I saw that the price was $5 now instead of $2. Gorgeous. $10 a week... $40 a month... so about $90 for the term? I konw I'm whining... but I had it so good at CCU... school was paid for through financial aid and parking was free.
2:30-4:45..Worked at the good ol' orthodontist office. As much as i complain about this job i guess it really is a blessing because they are so flexible with me. But I guess they dont really have a choice.
5:00..left work and headed for evendale.
5:30-10:00..Nurses Aid class in the evendale campus. Praise the Lord that I dont have to go back to the main campus. And no..I didnt write it wrong..it really is a 4.5 hr class. Last night we had one 10 min break at like 630. So needless to say we were all getting pretty anxious to get out of there. I know that when we get further into it it wont be as bad because we will actually be doing things, but last night was the first night so they had to go over everything.
10:30..Got home, said hi to the parents, checked my email and went to sleep.

It was a long day. But its over...until I do it all again tomorrow. The good news is that only tuesdays should be like that. Thursdays I usually dont work (except for tomorrow) so I can jsut go to my grandmas (who lives in evendale 5 min from the evendale campus) and sleep or play games or whatever with her.
I absolutely hate the first week of school. I'd rather skip all the introduction stuff and get the point of being there. But it has to be done I guess.
Cincy state goes on terms and this one ends at the beginning of november. 2 months.

I'm terrified I'm gonna get finished with this term and not want to do nursing anymore. Please pray for God to reveal this to me!! (whether i should do it or not). Thanks all. Love you.

beating hearts baby

ok its official... I'm addicted to Grey's Anatomy. I actually was in love with it the first time i saw it but never could catch it when it was on... but now I have the first season and cant stop watching.
I have a few invites for you all... Thursday my friend Justin (he plays guitar and sings) is playing at Liberty Heights church. Should be good..if you wanna join me..
ALSO>>> Sunday my parents are having this cookout after church and also games and such for the kids to play. I told them I'd come and help with the kids..anyone else interested? They are all such great kids and i want to keep them all. Its hard because I've been on my parents about leaving because I know they are not happy there, but at the same time I know they love those kids, and feel like they would be abandoning them if they left. Pray for this situation. I still have this urge in my heart for mikayla. It makes me sad to think about her and what obsticles she's going to have to overcome as she gets older. If she even makes it that long. (if you have no idea who I'm talking about go back to the post about the zoo).
I've really been thinking about this whole career thing... and I really do think I wanna be a baby nurse... in neonatal care. That's probably gonna change eventually.. but for now it sounds good to me. And about the whole current job situation..I'm gonna stay where I am. I am thinking he is going to retire within the next year or so (hopefully) and there will probably be some sort of lump sum attached to that for each of us employees...so I'm sort of trying to hold out until then. But it is a good paying job and flexible..I am just feeling the need to move on. But I cant really do that until i get another job. So I was thinking that after I take this nurses aid training this term I should apply to one of the hospitals for a job. I know I'll have a better chance of getting a job if i wait and take the training first.
Some may say I'm spoiled because I dont pay my car insurance or phone bill (I hesitate even saying that..knowing again I show my age by not having many responsibilities). I told my mom today I would start paying those just so I can start getting ready for..life..for later when I have lots of other bills to pay. She basically told me to shut up and just use this time to save. I feel like I should have a lot more money saved up considering my living situation and such. But then again I do have a 2-day-a-week job. I did apply somewhere else but have heard nothing thus far.

This year I've really learned how important it is to have community. Or to live in community with others. I love it. And its hard to for me to understand how some people..like my sister..do it..who dont really have community outside of the immediate family . SHe just works too much at this job I know she should quit...while going to school full time and also living with my parents and attending to her husband. Its gotta be hard. Most of her friends that she still talks to (most of them on occasion) are shallow and self-centered. I try to be there for her...to listen when she vents...and have fun when we have time...but i know she needs more..she needs others...she needs more community. I dont even know why I went in to this right now.... except that she needs to be in my prayers more..and I ask that she be in yours also.

come back chrissi alice. i miss you. i love you love you.
blue ice cream is available for a few more weekends!


kati: did you ever see devon anymore? man I'm gonna miss that kid...


beating heart baby :)

my favorite little man...

This is Austin. He is my favorite kid ever. Look at those adorable ears!

I think I mentioned in a previous post that we went to the zoo last Thursday. Robby was our photographer (what a shocker!) At one point my grandma asked if he worked and took pictures for the zoo... she didnt know he came with us. Gotta love her...
So anyway... thanks to Robby we have all these great pictures! So if you'd like to get in on some of the fun I will add a link to Robby's flickr site so you can view the pics. (I hope you don't mind Robby!)
The link is under "links" (titled Robby's flickr pics) to the right of this page.

Love you all.

we never saw the elephants

So I've been wanting to take the kids from my mom's church to the zoo for awhile... just something fun for them to do.. and today we finally went. It was about 15 or so kids, and around 10 adults? It was good. Thanks again to scotty, robby and ashley who came.. and lindsay... it would have been harder without them there to watch over some. I was worried about today, actually, becuase something always goes wrong.. like a tire goes out, or someone gets sick/hurt.. something like that. But everything went well and I think all the kids enjoyed it.. even my favorite little ones..
I've told a few of you about my favorite little girl Mikayla... she is 3 years old and has spinal bifida. She wasnt ever supposed to walk but she does.. she wears braces on her legs and she walks almost as well as any other 3 year old (with double the determination). I love her. She is the cutest little girl I've ever met. Her homelife isn't very good- very unstable, and they dont always respnd immediately to her disabled needs. It tears me up because I dont understand how her family doesnt look at her everyday and see how much of a blessing she is. Maybe they just see her as a waste of money (on medical bills) and... well i dont even know waht they think... but i see her little smiling face, as she's wobbling around on her braced legs..and just think of what a little miracle she is. I want her so badly. My mom and grandma have both said that if she was ever taken out of her house, or the option was ever put out there to adopt her, they would both fight for her. She deserves so much more love and care than she's getting. I'm not doubting her parent's love for her... but i am doubting their concern and care for her needs. Her dad didn't even want to take her to the hospital last weeek when she had a temperature of 104. He told my grandma something like, "I'm not just gonna go take her to the doctor every time something is wrong with her". um.. why not? she is your daughter and needs you! She's 3..she cant survive this on her own. Its been said that she's not supposed to live very long. I cant even imagine... My heart breaks for her.

so anyway.. we had fun at the zoo. I got to hang out with all my favorite kids.. and everyone had fun, no one was injured.

please pray for mikayla and family. I'm never sure how to exactly pray for these situations... that she gets taken from her home and we get her? or that her family sobers up and realizes what an angel they have.. and the needs she has.

my amusement for today

Whats uP? I haven't told a story in awhile so I decided to share my day. It was lame but there were a few comic reliefs involved. So this morning I left nerdwood at 640 and got inside school around 7. When I arrived at the door of the office i was supposed to be at I noticed there were 4 other girls waiting also. (I was warned there would be a line already formed at the door). We were all told to be there at 7, though we weren't allowed in until 730. So that was great. Finally 730 came around and we all went in to get some papers signed to get into the nurses aid training, followed by "now you must go downstairs and register". Okay.... I thought we were already waiting in line to be registered, but whatever.... so after signed papers i eventually found my way downstairs to stand in another line to get registered for this class. It was around 730 and of course this office wouldn't open until 8. So we waited...once again. And the doors opened.. and we waited as we were helped one by one. (I was about 6th in line). The actual registering took about 2.5 minutes so I pretty much had a bunch of time to waste before my 930 appt. with my advisor.
(Fast forwarding...)
Here I am waiting for my appointment and I recognize this guy (of short stature) that works at the urgent care I went to in West Chester. He was waiting with a friend that was trying to decide on his classes. So I was talking to them both about classes, majors, where they live, jobs, etc. Just casual conversation. His friend was like brazillian or something and I can't deny my eyes were occasionally fixed on his pretty face...I mean what..? I mean he was..his friend's name was adam or something and this kid's name was..well i really dont remember. I was too busy listening to the brazillian guy's accent. Ok so anyway... we are all talking..and waiting. Then all the sudden the short urgent care guy is like "can you help me with something?" and he hands me his razor cell phone (I hate razor cell phones, by the way. No offense if you have one or like it, but I think they're oogly). And my name is entered and he wants me to type in my number. So this creates somewhat of an awkward moment because here we are all just chillin and talking and he has to ruin it for asking for my number. Ok so right when he hands me the phone my advisor comes out and says "Sarah?" So I quickly give back the phone without entering my digits and said something lame like "well I'll probably see you around soon". SAVED BY THE ADVISOR. I knew they were good for something. Now I'm kinda creeped out by him. Yes its only a phone number but those who know me know you have to be subtle about these things or I get scared and run from you. And I have this fear he's like gonna look up my number at the urgent care place (since he works there, and therefore has access). Maybe I really do need to be dating someone so I can get out of situations like that without actually lying about why I'm not gonna give them my number. The creepy kid actually asked me (sort of joking..sort of) when I got up to go to my meeting if I wanted him to wait for me... I gave him a courtesy smile and walked on...probably rolling my eyes after passing him by.
..........................
So I'm at work later and so tired. So on my lunchbreak I get a starbucks caramel macchiato. I was a complete coffee freak last year during school, but I really havent drank much this summer. And I dont drink soda so needless to say my insides arent used to caffeine anymore. I drank my starbucks in about 10 minutes and my head was so A.D.D. for like 5 hours. My heart was racing and I couldnt focus. It was weird because I was so tired and felt like i was moving in slow motion, yet my brain was trying to move on double time. At one point i was supposed to tack on this bracket on this other thing for my mom and within like 10 seconds i was so frusterated and told her i couldnt do it anymore. It was weird to have this caffeine high. I used to claim caffeine had no effect on me. Well I lie.

Thats all. I'm sorry I didnt sarcasm it up like was possible... I was somewhat lacking inspiration.

love yous.

The Sabbath

Hey people.. so a few weeks ago we were talking about the Sabbath in bible study... I've been re-reading velvet elvis and I just came apon Rob Bell talking about this...

When we read the word Sabbath, most of us think of a day in the week, wich is what it is. But I have learned that the real issue behind the sabbath isnt which day of the week it is but how we live all the time....

Sabbath is taking a day a week to remind myself that I did not make the world and that it will continue to exist without my efforts.

Sabbath is a day when my work is done, even if it isnt't.

Sabbath is a day when my job is to enjoy. Period.

Sabbath is a day when I am fully available to myself and those I love most.

Sabbath is a day when I remember that when God made the world, he saw that it was good.

Sabbath is a day when I produce nothing.

Sabbath is a day when I remind myself that I am not a machine.

Sabbath is a day when at the end i say, "I didn't do anything today," and I don't add, "And I feel so guilty."

Sabbath is a day when my phone is turned off, I don't check my email, and you can't get ahold of me.

Jesus wants to heal our souls, wants to give us the shalom (peace) of God. And so we have to stop. We have to slow down. We have to sit still and stare out the window and let the engine come to an idle. We have to listen to what our inner voice is saying.
(p 117-118 of Velvet Elvis)


Robbellions :)

would you lie with me and just forget the world.

hi friends.
its been awhile for me. I just felt i should update those that i dont see everyday.
Lets go through the main topics...
SCHOOL: the plan for now is to go to Cincinnati state for nursing. i have no idea what my future looks like.... i dont want to be stuck in a hospital around here doing the same things everyday... what i mean is i want to TRAVEL! oh so badly... I definilty lack the funding..but then again- i dont know what my future holds.. maybe ill change my mind again next year..although i hope not. I dont have everything ready for this school year.. i need to get some financial aid stuff sorted out and schedule my classes (i cant do that till sept).
WORK: STill at the orthodontist office. I dont love it. But I'm hating it less. Actually I plan on staying there a bit longer (if it fits in my school schedule).. while possibly looking into a job at a retirement home (Cedar Village) as a nurses aid or server or something. I heard they pay well, have good hours, and may pay for schooling if you make a deal to work for them for so long after you graduate. I'm still trying to check all that out.
Well now that the boring stuff is over... TRAVEL:so there is this Greece trip coming up like the beginning of next year that I'd really love to go to. But i have a problem with saving money, especially since i havent worked a whole lot this summer. So I may not be going. Also, I'm trying to save up for this digital SLR camera I'm in love with.. along with money for another trip to dominica in january, and also a car..further in my future. Soo....needless to say...Greece is probably more out of the picture than I'd like to think.
CHURCH: uh...still looking? Well not really looking, but I'm not necessarily completely content. I've been going to the vineyard and I like it, but I dont think I'd really call it my "church home". Its so big and I havent been motivated to get involved in a small group yet. So yes i know thats my fault.
MALES: haha... wouldnt you like to know? yeah I'm just kidding... there really isnt much to say in this category.. I'm sure you are surprised.
OTHER: I'm upset taht Tina Fey is off SNL. It wont be the same without her. by the way... next month (AUGUST) is the only month you can email SNL to get in their ticket lottery thing. SO DO IT! and if you dont really want to go you could always sell your tickets to me if you got them!

The summer has been good. Went to florida,.... hmmmm... went to morehead,ky.... I've gone swimming... seen movies... ok so I'm lame. but i did go to florida. I like to rub it in. and I got to hang out with crazy katie for a whole week. sweet. KY was fun too... i love painting fences with used motor oil. Its probably now my favorite pastime.

im gonna stop dragging this out now.

thats all.

standing at the gate called 'beautiful'

Tonight I could really feel the healing that has been happening in your lives lately... even if you didnt necessarily think there was... i could feel it.. and hear it in your voices.

Thank you for that. It is a great encouragment.

its the little things that get me through

I wish i had the motivation to write more. I miss it. I really miss the communication through blogging..nobody really writes much anymore.Life gets too busy? Or I guess isn't interesting enough to share. Maybe in my case theres so much going on in my head that I'd like to share... but I'm not sure I'm ready to unleash all that confusion on everyone who reads this..if anyone does anymore. This is an open blog to basically anyone... and I dont really trust that. It makes me nervous sometimes. But then again, who really cares.

If only i could put into words the confusion and frusterations i have been feeling... but i cant. i'm sort of going numb again.Like I'm too far out to return where i started..yet I dont have the energy to move on. So i have stranded myself in this state of avoidance and desolation. If that makes any sense. It does to me so I'm sorry if you feel left out.I have been feeling a little more hopeful lately. The past few weeks my mind defintly hasnt been where it should be..I've been sort of struggling with something that could potentially create many regrets. This appealing situation has drawn me in a few times but I know its not what i should be doing and I would like to discontinue before i get myself hurt. So I'm trying to start anew. Climb out of this hole I've created for myself... so I can see the beauty in things again... in people. I hate feeling so cynical. And not being able to see the sincerety in people like i used to. I just see the faults. I'm not sure how to remedy this. But I know in time it will change. God is good... ya know? Have you ever turned on the radio and swore that the song was playing just for you? Or looked at the most beautiful sunset and know that it was your sunset? Or listen to the crashing waves on an isolated beach and hear sounds or melodies you think were created in that moment just for you to hear? No matter how down or far away from everything i feel.. i still catch those moments and they are so precious to me. Even when I'm not trying to communicate with God.. he finds ways to let me know He's still there watching.. waiting. Its a good thing he's willing to wait. And he continues to love all the time. I love the fact that he is completely in love with me. And isnt judging me because of all the little things i do that i know i shouldnt. He doesnt give me ultimatums..or cut me out of the family line because of mistakes i make. he doesnt condemn me for listening to secular music or curse me for not going to church on sundayy nights or wednesdays. Yes I konw he wants me to be a devoted follower of him. And He does get disappointed with me..im sure of it.. but he never forgets to send me those sweet little reminders that he's still here loving...its okay to mess up.. i am freaking human. i am a stuggling child of God and hey... i dont have everything figured out. I never will. People arent perfect. churches arent perfect. they never have been. so we adapt. how? i have no clue. Hi..my name is sarah.. and i am a sinoholic. You are lying if you say you are not one too. Join me in helping one another to overcome this stagnant, cynical state of mind. I cant go on like this...it hurts too much. I miss really living life and loving it..not just letting the days pass with meaningless ritual.

Please....lets move on... together.

the one song that can soothe all my frusterations...

"Come My Way"

Hundreds come from everywhere
Just to see your face and touch the healer's hand
Desperate, I push through the crowd
If I could touch your clothes
I could feel your power

Come my way

Please look
And notice me
Just to release my pain
Just to know your name

Come my way I'm out of touch
I'm out of reach
I've got the faith to believe
Am I out of touch or out of reach
What would it take for you to walk towards me

I'm out of touch, out of reach
But I'm running towards you and it's all I believe

Come my way

Just a touch


Written by Skillet

(I'm sorry I dont know what website you can go to listen to it...)

So my brother got married April 29th. This was the huge wedding party. If you want to see more pictures go here...
http://www.flickr.com/photos/79516616@N00/

I will hopefully be adding more soon.

Its amazing what can happen in one week

I love you.

My heart hurts for my girls.
Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your family.


you know it

wow...

can someone punch me because I really can't believe that my brother is married...

so many mixed emotions.

tell you all later.

is that a banana in your pocket?

I am sitting in a hotel in alabama.. and my computer actually works. The ride down yesterday was very long and tiring. We left my house around 530am and got here around 6. We stopped at a mall for like an hour, though, so we couldve made it sooner. Its been fun bc my entire mom's side of the fam is in this hotel... so there hasn't been a dull moment, thats for sure. So waht's planned for today: bridal luncheon at noon-- i guess for the bridal party? not sure...-- then rehearsal tonight. It will definilty be interesting to see how all us bridal party (10 on each side) will fit on the stage considering the church is a just little bigger than Oak Harbor. Then tomorrow the wedding is at 5. I still cant believe my brother is getting married. SO CRAZY. I love the south. Its so great how they serve sweet tea everywhere.. sometimes it comes included with the meal! It was funny when we went to the mall yesterday.. there were about 9 of us in "traveling clothes" (aka we looked like bums) and we would walk past people in the mall that would just stop and stare... it was hIlarius.

great conversation of the day:
this morning my grandma was holding a banana and i was like, "Hey ma, put that banana in your pocket"
so she did, and my response, "Ma, is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
She rolled her eyes, took it out of her pocket, and laughed.
I enjoyed it, goodtimes.

anyhow.. that is my update.

Chrissi-- I hope all goes well with your party tomorrow... I know you all will have so much fun... sorry I am missing it. LOVE YOU!

do i hear wedding bells in the near future?

.........

my new favorite [lame] awesome joke...

Answer all 4 questions....

1. How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?

2. How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?

3. The Lion king is hosting an animal conference in the forest. All of the animals come but one... which one doesnt come?

4. You are walking and come to a river you must cross that alligators live in. How do you get across?



answers to come later....

life lessons

So.... I feel like I've been leaving you all in the dark.. not like there's that much in my life you can see if there was light anyway.
well... hmm... my brother is getting married 3 weeks from today. Completly crazy but I'm happy for him. I actually have mixed emotions about it sometimes.it jsut depends what day it is.. but today i feel good about it. We had a small (like 9 person) shower for Trishia today. JUst fam and close friends. It was fun..they are all crazy. But i love them. Its good to spend time with Trishia.. it doesnt happen all that often because she works so much and when she's home either we're all sleeping or I'm out somewhere. Tonight I think we are all goingto Liberty's passion play. Should be good. If any of you have caught the recent Skyline commercials with the guy driving the convertible with ladies in the car... or the one where his hair is on fire or something... he is going to be Jesus in the production...he also helps out with the youth at Liberty. He;s my brother's friend...he's such a ham.
So recently... in about 5 weeks i have finals..which is crazy. I feel like i just started at CCU. Future plans... right now I am planning on going to cincy state next year for nursing. I may start classes this summer but that all depends on my personal motivation, which I dont have much of at this point.
It's been a difficult year (and a half). Lets break it down:
-went on the most incredible adventure of my life thus far... Israel, Jordan, Paris
-(^also the beginning of my questioning things in life)
-graduated highschool
-chrissi moved (aka blue ice cream buddy!)
-megan...best friend from highschool...moved to new york
-started school at CCU
-emily..cousin my age... got married in november and moved to florida
-scott and i had a pretty bad fallout
-church drama
-^watching my friends as they go through incredible emotional pain
-I eloped last weekend and didnt tell anybody
-I'm about to separate from my church family
-brett got engaged, she moved in with us, and they are soon to be married


so basically... in summary i blame some of this on chrissi. She used to tell me that I depended on people too much and that one day God was going to take those people from me so that I would look to him instead of others (that wasnt word for word, but you get it). God has taken some very close people from me... but not in death.. in life. They have all moved on to a new chapter in life. Which is great for them. I love that for them but I just hate not seeing those people as much anymore. By the grace of God scott and i reconciled some things too... put our pride aside (that was sorta cheezy rhyming :) And he has brought other great people into my life... or should i say more into my life than they were. But I still love and miss those that are far away.
for the other stuff.... I'm still learning..still questioning. I'm not where I want to be in my relationsihp with God at all. I dont even know where to be right now or how to start. It sucks (for lack of better words) to have a part of your faith completely shattered before your eyes. But I konw that I have and will continue to learn so much from everything. And I'm excited when I think about how glorious it will be when I can look back and see how things have changed.. and how i have changed for the better. God is bringing something good out of this. You and I both know it. We just have to hold on together and help eachother get through the rough patches. I'm here for you always. I hope you know that.

I hope you all are doing great. Please update.. I'd really love to know what's going on personally in your lives... and I know i suck at updating but I will try to do more of it.
I love you dearly.


Just remember: "with your true heart devoted to Him jsut watch and see that what He gives is exactly what you truly wanted, but dared not dream to ask for."

Yahweh,
I sit here confused... with this completely tainted picture of you in my head. I want to know the real you. I long to see you for who you really are and not what other people project you as. Show me the real meaning of Christian and how to live that life as you intended. There are broken people all around... help us pick up the pieces and put them back together to create an even greater love, joy, and faith than before.
I know you are right here holding my hand. I want to do the right things... i want to be the person you want me to be... without the insecurities and blemishes. I want to radiate you. But I'm not sure i know how to do that or be that person right now...
not until I know who you are really.
I'm ready to learn......
**

The Age of Innocence

So today i was just doing nothing when the mail arrived.. little did I know at the time that it would completely change my life! So I recieved a letter that I initially thought was from world vision. As I looked closer at the picture staring at me from the plastic on the inside, I realized that it was my picture that i had entered in an online contest a few months ago. I quickly opened the letter that said my picture was advancing to the final competition to be held this summer... which has a great chance of winning one of over 114 cash or gift prizes.. including the $1,000 Grand Prize!! or the $10,000 annual grand prize!! I know that I'm no great photographer or anything (yet:) and that this is just a small amateur contest, but I am so excited!! The coolest part is that my photo is getting published in a photo book called "Endless Journeys". I know my photo will just be lost in this sea of beautiful pictures... so its not like mine is extra special..but it is still something to be proud of. and I am very proud!! but it didnt actually change my life... i was exaggerating at the beginning of this rambling nonsense. I have already posted this pic on here but just so you can see which one it is I'll post again...

These children are absolutely beautiful. I didn't even tell them to stand like that.. they did it themselves. Oh how I want to go back to Dominica!!!

My brother is getting married in just 5 weeks!! I cant believe that at all. They are still looking for an apartment. Lindsay and Daniel are supposed to be moving back in around May-ish..? I love having my family here.. but if Brett and Trishia arent out by the time linz and dan move in... I'll be getting out of here. I'll stay at the g-parents or soemthing. But theres no way i could handle all of them in one house. Arent they cute?...........
(Yes i took this one too!)

Sorry Its been awhile since I've posted. I just havent really been in the mood i guess lately. But I still think of you all often!
I love you and
you know it.

maybe I'll just quit and go work at a bar

So today when I came into work my mom was talking to this lady that happened to walk in and ask if they were hiring. We aren't really..unless one of us quits... but thats besides the point. So me and mom were driving to lunch and she was telling me about this lady and how qualified she was. The only thing she didn't like about her was that the lady said if they couldnt give her enough hours it was okay bc she'd probably just go work at a bar or something part time too. So my mom was like "That already gives her a stereotype of the kind of person she is". So I sat there thinking (that doesnt give her a stereotype.. YOU give her that stereotype..) and I was like "so what kind of person is she, mom?"
"well... the kind that works at a bar"
And that was an irritating response.
So I came back with something like "that doesnt make her a bad person. And I understand why someone would want to work at a bar."
so at this point i can feel her annoyance with me. "I'm not saying i would do it or anything.. but people make a lot of money being bartenders.. it makes sense."
So we went back and forth for a few minutes and she ended with "You are becoming a complete liberal!"

What?! What the heck do politics have anything to do with this? I wouldnt consider myself on either end of that spectrum at this point, and me saying that i dont disagree with someone's reasoning to work at a bar definitly doesnt make me a liberal.
Her defining of people and intolerance is so irritating!!

She's definitly worried about me. It's sort of humorous in a way because as I'm becoming more open minded and accepting of people, she sees that as me being pulled into the world or something and I'm about ready to fall off the edge. Maybe me arguing with her so much and playing devil's advocate isn't helping that any.

I love my mom, but sometimes I realize how bad I need to get away from here for a bit.

beauty from pain

I was looking through a journal from a few months ago and came across something I had written when I was in the prayer room on Aug. 26, 2005. I wrote down what God was saying to me:

Sarah,
It is I. I will never leave you or forsake you. Have faith in me and I will guide you where I want you to be. Don't be afraid, for I am always with you. Stay with me and follow me all all times. When you need me I will pick you up and carry you. You are and will always be my child. Have faith, my daughter. I will never leave you or let you go from my grip. Listen to what I tell you. Do not be foolish. Stray from temptations. Remember that I will NEVER give you too much that you can't handle, or put you in a situation that you don't have a way to get out of. You know what to do. I have already told you. Stop being so stubborn and open yourself up to my words. Do not worry- it doesn't help anything in any way. TRUST ME. Pray and call out to me daily. I love you. When you feel alone -look beside you- I will be there holding your hand.
Do not cry, my child. I am here.

Joshua 1:9 Be strong and courageous; do not be terrified, do not be discouraged for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.


That is a big thing for me to have written something like that. Becuase I'm not the greatest listener and don't often recieve (or hear) clear words from God. I wish that I could listen to that and believe and live by it. My hope has just shattered alot since then. I know He is there always..I can feel him. i just have this tendency to hold him at a distance at times in my life.

Don't hesitate to fill in your name where mine is.. He is speaking to you to. And I hope you are encouraged by His words.
____________________________________________________________________________________

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
and there'll be beauty from pain

-Superchick

my frusteration with celebrities

DOes anyone else get frusterated with this? http://www.worldvision.org/about_us.nsf/child/eNews_africa_030706?Open&campaign=1316011&cmp=EMC-1316011 There's all these people starving over there when celebrities are getting paid millions of dollars to act stupid (or act very well) in front of the world for entertainment! Did you see that correctly.. yes i said MILLIONS. You know how much food that could provide for people in Africa? Is it so hard to sacrifice like one paycheck to starving children? Really? I'm sorry... its just irritating to read this kind of stuff and know that it doesnt have to happen because there really IS enough money and food in the world to prevent it.

beating heart baby

oh summertime... how i miss you so.... So now my vacation options are: new york, florida, michigan, or colorado... I'd really love to go overseas but we all know i definitly dont have the money for that.. nor would i anytime soon. Road trips are fun... too bad my car probably wouldnt make it very far. So last sunday i went to crossroads church with my brother and friends. It was good. It wasnt like such a magnificent event or anything but being there i just felt so... refreshed. Theres alot thats been going on in my head and the week leading up to last sunday i felt beat... i had beaten myself up thinking about crap and just felt depressed. I was emotional from the minute i sat down for church. At the end of the service some awesome lady singers sang this song that I swear God was directing right at me. the words that caught me were "I love you more". That simple. It was such a great and big reminder as I sat and felt so little in that church of so many. "I love you more". Thats just beautiful to me and its hard to explain the picture I had in my head when those words were sung. I'm sorry i cant accurately share that with you. The service was about keeping God your center... not allowing money, possessions, status, or even people become your god. I do that a lot. And thats why i think i felt so crazy that week... I didnt let God in when i needed him the most. And im still keeping Him unintentionally at a distance. well i guess it is intentional if i know im doing it. But im trying not to. As far as the school stuff... i still dont know what im doing. my latest plan was to go to cincy states 2 year program. Theres like a 2 year waiting list or something though... but its better than waiting 5 years for UC. I dont even know if i love the idea of nursing... i just know it would be a good, secure job.. meaning i know i could always find a job... and im hoping to someday stay or even live for awhile in a different country.. and they always need nurses (like 3rd world countries). How great would that be? And completely rewarding to help people. oh i hate thinking about it bc it makes me want to go and again.. i have a limited source of money. So at this point it cant happen. but one day. "I love you more" 9And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, 10so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God. 11May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, 12giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. colossians 1:9-12

Hey, here's an idea...

If you aren't already... sponsor a child. You can pick where the child is from, what he/she looks like, basically anything your heart desires. You can provide so much for a child with just a small amount, and some prayer. Just think about it. http://www.worldvision.comcom

crazy cool medallions

So once apon a time a girl tried to put a video on her blog... the video never showed up but the "I LOVE IT" did... making no sense to the readrs.... so... in conclusion... I AM THAT GIRL! and the stupid blog wont letme delete that last post. Sorry the video didnt show. I dont remember what it was but im sure it was freakin hilarious. I've been a basketcase today... went to chapel this morning.... a first in awhile. It was pretty good. But whenever i sit down for any kind of service lately I've gotten in this bad habit of reading or writing.... anything having to do with not listening to the speaker... but i had to focus myself back in today. THen i had class...eh... paper is due NEXT thurs instead of this thurs! thats excitinng. anyone wanna write it for me? Its about free speech on college campus. I'm totally burnt out from writing papers the past few weeks. Like so much that I am really considering not ever writing another one. For me writing a paper is like sticking a knife in my arm and twisting it around a few times. YES>....THAT PAINFUL. I'm being dramatic here... but it is torturous. On the way to work after class I started gettting that feeling back of I WANNA GET THE HECK OUTA HERE! Like leave everything.... work, school, church, friends... im sorry friends..i love you i just want to be anywhere but here sometimes. The feeling isnt as strong right this second but its still there. We had dinner tonight with my sis and her beau... it was good. I miss my sister. I never see her anymore... its good to be together..we just laugh at everything. Maybe if i spend more time with her i wont feel so crazy all the time. wow... life... this time last year was so much different. Getting ready to go to Israel with my crazy girls... trying to decide where to go to school. Actually... besides going to israel i guess things arent that much different... im still trying to deicde where to go to school. I know what i want to do now I just lack the motivation to go through with it. sometimes i wish i wouldve stayed on campus at ccu. I really think i would love it right now. I just seclude mjyself so much sometimes. i hate it. i keep up a huge wall. im so freaking insecure. alright.... enough self-analyzing... i dont feel like hating myself right now. TO all my faithful readers... I LOVE YOU!! and thanks for being my friend...in spite of learning how my crazy brain works.

i love it!