its the little things that get me through

I wish i had the motivation to write more. I miss it. I really miss the communication through blogging..nobody really writes much anymore.Life gets too busy? Or I guess isn't interesting enough to share. Maybe in my case theres so much going on in my head that I'd like to share... but I'm not sure I'm ready to unleash all that confusion on everyone who reads this..if anyone does anymore. This is an open blog to basically anyone... and I dont really trust that. It makes me nervous sometimes. But then again, who really cares.

If only i could put into words the confusion and frusterations i have been feeling... but i cant. i'm sort of going numb again.Like I'm too far out to return where i started..yet I dont have the energy to move on. So i have stranded myself in this state of avoidance and desolation. If that makes any sense. It does to me so I'm sorry if you feel left out.I have been feeling a little more hopeful lately. The past few weeks my mind defintly hasnt been where it should be..I've been sort of struggling with something that could potentially create many regrets. This appealing situation has drawn me in a few times but I know its not what i should be doing and I would like to discontinue before i get myself hurt. So I'm trying to start anew. Climb out of this hole I've created for myself... so I can see the beauty in things again... in people. I hate feeling so cynical. And not being able to see the sincerety in people like i used to. I just see the faults. I'm not sure how to remedy this. But I know in time it will change. God is good... ya know? Have you ever turned on the radio and swore that the song was playing just for you? Or looked at the most beautiful sunset and know that it was your sunset? Or listen to the crashing waves on an isolated beach and hear sounds or melodies you think were created in that moment just for you to hear? No matter how down or far away from everything i feel.. i still catch those moments and they are so precious to me. Even when I'm not trying to communicate with God.. he finds ways to let me know He's still there watching.. waiting. Its a good thing he's willing to wait. And he continues to love all the time. I love the fact that he is completely in love with me. And isnt judging me because of all the little things i do that i know i shouldnt. He doesnt give me ultimatums..or cut me out of the family line because of mistakes i make. he doesnt condemn me for listening to secular music or curse me for not going to church on sundayy nights or wednesdays. Yes I konw he wants me to be a devoted follower of him. And He does get disappointed with me..im sure of it.. but he never forgets to send me those sweet little reminders that he's still here loving...its okay to mess up.. i am freaking human. i am a stuggling child of God and hey... i dont have everything figured out. I never will. People arent perfect. churches arent perfect. they never have been. so we adapt. how? i have no clue. Hi..my name is sarah.. and i am a sinoholic. You are lying if you say you are not one too. Join me in helping one another to overcome this stagnant, cynical state of mind. I cant go on like this...it hurts too much. I miss really living life and loving it..not just letting the days pass with meaningless ritual.

Please....lets move on... together.