i am mostly recovered

So yesterday I wrote a really long post and I went to publish it and it redirected me elsewhere and I couldn’t get back… losing everything I had just written. I was mildly irate. (or more than mildly… as you can tell from the past post).
School’s been good. Today in public speaking class I had to tell about a personal experience and a lesson I learned. I talked some about Israel. I really couldn’t think of anything else at the time.
I’m already sick of the thought of homework… I just look at the syllabus, roll my eyes, and groan. I haven’t had too much yet, but again, its only the 2nd week of these classes.
I went to Chapel last Thursday. I really liked it actually- I didn’t know if I would. The worship was awesome and I really enjoyed hearing our school president speak.
Friends? I’ve met some. Its strange bc usually I make more guy friends than girls when I’m in a new place.. But I can handle guys more than girls usually - as far as drama… girls are CRAZY (well, if its different if its MY girls, or new girl friends… cuz I’d rather have MY GIRLS over any guys any day-- for now at least J )
I really like this school. Its different being in a christian school, having teachers pray for us before each class.. That is CRAZINESS! But I love it. The drive really isn’t killing me either
Oh, by the way… so I changed the title of this blog… any comments? That is a line from a song by Superchick (Katie posted the lyrics from that song recently.) The song really applies to me right now… cuz all this time I’ve been stressing about college and where I’m supposed to be and it just feels so right, right now. I’m not positive I’ll stay at this school for all of my college education, but for now it just fits, and feels good.
I’m still deciding if I like title and if I will keep..

Thanks again kati for letting me stay with you these past 2 weeks! Its been fun.. And convenient!
Homework party….you know it.

i love you all

i hate blog

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH>>>>>
I could just scream at this stupid blog thing that loves to find ways to erase my entry before it publishes!!!!!!!!!

if it was a person i'd punch him.

what's goin down

So.... I feel its been awhile since I've posted anything actually worth it. Ive just been really busy lately and I hate it. If the prayer room wasnt this past week I think I wouldve gone insane by now with having no time for anything... but the prayer room has provided that quiet time required to keep me from absolutely losing it this week. I started my first regular schedule of classes today.... Acts of the Apostles, Bible Lands and Lifeways (Bond girls- i dont have Mark Zeise... i was bummed :) who am i gonna share my snickers with now?) Public speaking, and tomorrow I have english. So today i heard a few times how youre never supposed to take acts and bible lands in the same semester. Oh poop... oh well im not gonna drop or change anything now. I'll get through it. I'm sure I'll break down a few times throughout the semester (its to be expected) but it'll be fine.... all things must come to an end, right? An end which is 3-4 months away...sigh..... Ive barely started and I'm already dreading. Today was just somewhat---no, highly overwhelming. I hate how almost all professors start off by going through the entire syllabus... it makes me feel really anxious and stressed out bc of all the assignments, projects and tests that are to come... I'd rather skip all taht nonsense and just start the class and find out all that later when its completely necessary. What else is going on?...... well I've really enjoyed the prayer room this week. I can be entirely stressed or worried about somethign and walk into that room and feel the spirit overcome me with this peace that is just so great and unexplainable. I go through stages that I feel... i always want to say "a burden" for certain people... but its not a burden... its just compassion..? and empathy i guess. I go through stages with certain people. So some have been on my mind a lot lately, its like i see their needs and passions and hurt with them when they dont succeed at things theyve tried so hard on, it gets tiring sometimes to think like that. I try not to- its just in my nature, i guess, to sense thigns like that about people and get emotionally involved for them (or with them, without them really knowing it i guess) ...........wow I'm at katies right now and its like 1130 and there are people standing right outside the window i am next to having really loud conversation about bars in new york and getting wasted or something. They sound pretty trashed as it is...I'm glad im not trying to sleep bc id be a lot more irritated. Poor katie... i hope she is heavily asleep by now..............so people on my mind...praying alot for them lately..oh right, things on my mind.. my cousin is getting married in november and i am the maid of honor so i really need to get on this shower planning thing. I honestly dont want this responsibility of planning this shower... she has a whole lot of fam on her other side, I can see my life getting progressively busier from now on... maybe I am just being selfish. But Im also not totally excited bc I'm not so fond of her situation. Her fiance is cool and everything (no one else in my extended fam likes him- they dont think hes right for her) but he lives in florida and as soon as they marry they are moving there (she lives in northern ohio)..so its a long distance relationship and they havent even had the experience of living remotely close to see if they will get sick of eachother or anythign. I just dont see how this is a fairytale... all i can see is her moving there, missing her mom, missing her friends, missing how much fiance made over her before they were married, and just feeling so alone bc she is in florida- so far away from everyone and everything she knows!! But maybe he wont stop all the good things he's been doing for her. And it IS florida... the beach?! Heck yes! IN conclusion, its a little hard for me to plan thigns for the weddign when I'm not totally into the correct mindset of her even getting married right now (she'll be 19 in november). I have been praying about this, though.. that thier relationship before marriage wont be solely based on the physical aspect, and that God would speak to both of them about whether this is right or not... please pray with me about all this! The wedding is november 19. Alright.. if i have any else to blab i'll let you know.... goodnight my lovelies!

you dont know me

I'm so annoyed right now with my 9 annonymous commments from stupid spam people from the last entry. So I blocked annonymous users-- sorry adam.. and anyone else that remains annonymous. i just cant handle all that crap... i was built up to believe I had 9 comments from my brilliant friends but was shot down as soon as the page came up. Wow...im really making a huge deal out of this arent i?! Sorry... its just more than slightly irritating.


im not totally ready to open my head at this time
.peace.out.

"I wish to lie low before God, as in the dust; that I might be nothing, and that God might be all, that I might become as a little child."

just chillen

So I've been trying to think of a new name for this stupid thing. My title (Who's the Genius that named it a blog?) Is pretty lame. So if theres like a theme to all my madness or something that you think would be a good new title please let me know! I would love some feedback on this.

Peace out*

stories and naptime

so school is going well i guess. Its really boring to sit in the same chair for so long but the class itself is really interesting. Except yesterday when we had to learn about the eye and different cells in the body. I dont think i did very well on taht test today-- which really shouldnt be that bad bc he curves his tests... but one guy said he only missed one question which will decrease the effect of the curve. blast. So needless to say I really need to go study-- tomorrow is our last day and I think the test is 100 questions over all we've learned so far- which hasnt been a whole lot i must say. There was a lot more i was looking forward to learning in this class. But as the guy is talking about a subject he used stories and examples to help us out... which then lead to more stories off of that and eventually he tries to tie it all back together which doesnt always work out. Its funny, but we are not near where we are supposed to be. I think there are like 8 chapters we are supposed to learn about and today we finished chapter 4. I dont know if he's gonna give a test in the morning, teach all day, then give us another test at the end? I guess i'll find out. He's so funny though, and totally not concerned about time at all. This is supposed to start at 830 and go till 4 or 430p, with a lunch break in the middle and a few other breaks in between. Tues and Wed he gave us 2 hour lunch breaks and today we got done at lunch bc he has another class later to prepare for. This is the benefit of having a professor that has taught for a long time-- they dont care as much. But he is a good teacher and really captures my attention with all his stories and great examples. So yes i was out at 12 today, ate lunch at school and came back to katie's. She doesnt get home till 4ish so I'm just chillen -- maybe nap time? And of course LONG study time today. blast...i hate studying.
Overall its been a good week. At tiems I wish i would be living in the dorms but then again, I'm glad I'm not. They dont have airconditioning, it smells like pee as soon as you walk in the main doors... I'm just spoiled i guess. Its great that school is 35 min from me bc my dad is forced to get used to me driving more and hopefully wont be on my back as much when i want to go somewhere that isnt MASON (oh God forbid!) or in that general vicinity.

Yeah, nap sounds good... peace out.

the dreaded first day

So I went to bed at 11p last night-- crazy proud of myself! Had to wake up at 8 so I got like 9 hrs! Its been years since thats happened. Well actually I didnt sleep that much bc of apparent anticipation, which I didnt realize I had. Got to school a little early for my 10a class. It was boring, funny, tiring, interesting... all at different moments. The chairs were gorgeously uncomfortable and there was no way to prevent that. But I am really interested in psychology and I was tuned in a lot more than i expected myself to be for that amount of time. I'm excited to learn this stuff but not excited about being in school. Yes I konw......."college is so much different than highschool!" and I believe you. But without living on campus I know i wont get as close to these people and dont try ot talk me into right now I'm not moving anywhere just yet. Its like $6000 more than I'm paying now. I have no loans right now and I'd like to keep it that way. I'd really like to eventually rent an apartment somehwere semi-close to the school. Maybe even somewhere halfway between here and there. We got done around 430 today. Tomorrows class starts at 830. The professor showed us the agenda for the week and we have 12 chapters to cover by the end on fridya. What did we get to today? NOt even all the way through ch.1. For like the first 1 or 2 hours he talked about what we would be covering this week. He gets on stories a lot of times that cause him to lose track of time. I dont think we'll get through all 12 but it doesnt really matter a whole lot. I need to get in bed early tonight-- tomorrow will be a very early morning to beat traffic. peace out.

skillet inspired emotional release

It's eating me away

Save me from my rage and my humanity

I need a reason to breathe- its you

Come save me

you are what my soul needs

the thirst is taking over

i need to taste it

you are the one real thing

speak and my heart aches

reach and the numbness dims

you're the one truth i know

when my heart is weak will you rescue me

will you be there when I'm falling down

can I run to you

Will my pain release at your mercy seat

when your love comes down i can rest my eyes

your power is flooding through my life

your love is coming down

Come my way

will you be there as i grow cold

Humble me

I want to touch the healer's hem

Desperate

if I could touch your clothes

I could feel your

Power

come my way, Jesus

please look and notice me

just to ease pain

just to know your name

Am I out of touch or reach

I've got faith to believe

what would it take for you to walk towards me

I'm running to you

help me to know you more

I want to see your face

I feel locked in a cage

come my way

just a touch

your love is so deep for us

so vast beyond all measure

it was my sin

that held you there

your dying breath brought me life

why should i gain from

your reward

your wounds paid my ransom

Thank You.

Angels fell down at the glory and beauty of the Lord

I fall down

afraid and shaking here

the hurt and broken rest at your feet

I cry to know you

Nothing could prepare me for you

I'll be safe with you

Something deep inside keeps my faith alive

When all i can do is hide from the fear

thats deep inside

something to hold me close when I dont know

how long i can hold on

"YOU CAN FIND ME ANYWHERE. TAKE A LOOK OVER YOUR SHOULDER AND I'LL BE STANDING THERE."

I want you to be my obsession

I'm going crazy

Never reaching what i want to reach

never being who i want to be

blaiming me when i fall and fail

all my dreams out of reach under my fingernails

can i trade in my perfections

tears falling down again

come let the healing begin.........

mixed emotions

Sometimes I think about the pros of not having close friends..... it wouldnt hurt as bad when they leave. But then again, I wouldn't have those great hilarious stories to write.

music and messages

So I went to see coldplay tonight at riverbend. It was really cool. I have never been to a concert there before....definitly an experience. Contrary to beliefs from some that said it would be a nice nap time.... it was a GREAT concert. But I love coldplay so of course it was cool. There arent many groups these days that sound good in concert-- they sounded as good or better than on cd. They bring in such a diverse crowd. It was crazy. But awesome. And we saw some limos pulling out beside us on the way out...I swear it was Gwyneth paltrow (chris martin--lead singer-'s wife) and daughter apple. So that was cool too. It was great to be able to spend time with my brother. he is such a great guy, and brother. We got to talk a lot tonight about many different things. I love spending time with him. He actually bought me this coldplay ticket for graduation. Of any of my family or friends, he was probably the best person to go with to this concert. It was a lot of fun.

Off topic....
I hate how people put God in a box. It's frusterating. Like those people that say,"God hates fags and everyone that supports them". Also the old school preachers that are so strict on the way they live... this pastor guy is speaking a few days this week at my Gpa's church for their revival. I went last night and he's just so....i dont even know.... for example... He mentioned that years ago he went to take his children to the pool. He got there and realized how bad it was for him to be there with half dressed women, and how atrocious it was for men and women to be swimming in the same pool together.... it was just craziness. What was he thinking it would be like on the way to the pool? Everyone wearing baptism robes? Come on now... its a pool!! Anyways, he said that they left immediately and never went back. I understand that people have different limits. But temptations for some people are nothing for others. How can you tell people to not wear bathing suits in front of others or to swim with the opposite sex? That may be your problem...but dont start judging others bc its a problem for you. He also said something about this guy that got saved at his friend's church had long hair and his cheek pierced and they thought he should cut his hair and take out the earring after he got saved. Whats wrong with long hair? Jesus had long hair! I know we are living in a much different society than Jesus, but still... just bc a male has long hair, or a person has piercings or looks dirty, doesnt mean they are a bad person, or havent fully committed their life to christ. It just makes me mad how some people judge others. I know this preacher has a great heart and just wants to help people get on the right track... but help them get on the RIGHT track.... not YOURS. Is he a better christian than me becuase he doesnt ever listen to secular or "rock" music and goes to church on sunday nights? I'm sorry... just listening to him last night got me a lot more than a little fired up. I just hate when people restrict God. Remember HE's the one that got in trouble for hangin out with the sinners! Do you think he shied away from people bc of the way they looked or acted? Did he look down on them because they were gamblers or slept around or had lots of earrings? Heck no he didnt! He loves all of his people so much. And he welcomes us all with open arms into his presence. ESPECIALLY the ones that some may deem as unworthy. I am SO unworthy of his love, yet so precious in HIS sight. And that I know as a fact. I could not live without knowing about Christ's unfathomable love for me. He is so great... someday I will learn to not take his love so much for granted. I didnt mean to preach a sermon... thats just been on my heart a lot lately. I love you all... goodnight my lovelies!!

just avoid it and maybe it will go away

Life's been good. My chrissi is home! That is something to celebrate!! I am thrilled-- even if it's only for a few days/weeks more. You never know what this crazy girl is going to do next :)

I think i have an admirer. I find myself thinking of ways to say or do horrible things to lose his respect so that he wont have romantic feelings for me and we can all move on with our lives normally... then I have to hit myself for even thinking of wanting to lose someone's respect bc thats just craziness to even think. But its almost like I'd rather lose his respect than go through the whole drama thing and come out not friends. So far there has been nothing vocal, on his part. I sincerely hope there wont be any so we dont have to deal with hurt feelings and whatnot. I hate drama, and I hate going through this. Again I am pushing. I think he feels that i am. But this isnt me making excuses bc I'm afriad or anything-- i'm really just not interested this time. How can you be someone's friend wihtout fueling their admiration of you? I feel like that sounded really conceited... I'm sorry, but really.. what do you do?

This is the basis on which my shirt "I dont want to be your girlfriend" stands. I dont want to deal with the drama. Its my way of saying "back off now so i dont have to tell you later" when more is at stake to lose.

Thats all for now.

I'm glad to be drama free...most of the time

Another hot summer day. It's really been great hasn't it?! Kings Island today... blue ice cream... mmmmmm.. I love it.
By the way Cheryl-- rain check on that. Nextweek?

So i mentioned me and ash made shirts a few days ago. Hers said (not surprisingly) "Parents for sale, buy one get one free" mine said [front]"I dont want to be your girlfriend" [back]"Lets just be friends" I was excited bc i thought i was a genius (except i cant leave katie out... the back was her idea) and wanted to show it off so i wore it to wet n wild (youth pool party/bible study) and thought it was such a great idea at the time. But the longer i was there, the more i thought about how horrible it was that i was wearing this shirt with this comment on it, which i had personally made. I realized someone may have thought it was directed towards them or inspired by them or something. So, If you were there (and are a guy) and thought it was about you, i'm sorry, but it totally wasnt. It wasnt for anyone in particular. Its just a shirt that i thought was clever. And i still think it is, and I'll still wear it. I just will be more thoughtful about where i wear it and around who next time.

Making shirts was alot of fun though... I think i will do it again soon. I already have a new idea! It's a fun one too, of course. Maybe next time we have a party it wont be tye dying but making shirts with iron on letters! Or BOTH!! Tye dye and iron ons!!! Oh wow, excitement overload!! Super cool idea, yes, i know. You are very welcome. Me and ash decided they would make great gifts too. It's just too bad the letters cost so much for one freakin pack.

I'm not anti-boy... I love Jimmy Fallon :)
Its inevitable. One day we will fall in love. You dont believe me? Fine... i cant wait to photograph youre jealous face when we dont invite you to the wedding.

things

I made funny shirts with ashley today. It makes me laugh bc I am so great at it.

My mouth is almost 100% healed!!

2 weeks till school...

i need some blue ice cream

Oh how I hate keeping secrets!!! But I will for now:)


i loveyou

YOU KNOW IT