its the little things that get me through

I wish i had the motivation to write more. I miss it. I really miss the communication through blogging..nobody really writes much anymore.Life gets too busy? Or I guess isn't interesting enough to share. Maybe in my case theres so much going on in my head that I'd like to share... but I'm not sure I'm ready to unleash all that confusion on everyone who reads this..if anyone does anymore. This is an open blog to basically anyone... and I dont really trust that. It makes me nervous sometimes. But then again, who really cares.

If only i could put into words the confusion and frusterations i have been feeling... but i cant. i'm sort of going numb again.Like I'm too far out to return where i started..yet I dont have the energy to move on. So i have stranded myself in this state of avoidance and desolation. If that makes any sense. It does to me so I'm sorry if you feel left out.I have been feeling a little more hopeful lately. The past few weeks my mind defintly hasnt been where it should be..I've been sort of struggling with something that could potentially create many regrets. This appealing situation has drawn me in a few times but I know its not what i should be doing and I would like to discontinue before i get myself hurt. So I'm trying to start anew. Climb out of this hole I've created for myself... so I can see the beauty in things again... in people. I hate feeling so cynical. And not being able to see the sincerety in people like i used to. I just see the faults. I'm not sure how to remedy this. But I know in time it will change. God is good... ya know? Have you ever turned on the radio and swore that the song was playing just for you? Or looked at the most beautiful sunset and know that it was your sunset? Or listen to the crashing waves on an isolated beach and hear sounds or melodies you think were created in that moment just for you to hear? No matter how down or far away from everything i feel.. i still catch those moments and they are so precious to me. Even when I'm not trying to communicate with God.. he finds ways to let me know He's still there watching.. waiting. Its a good thing he's willing to wait. And he continues to love all the time. I love the fact that he is completely in love with me. And isnt judging me because of all the little things i do that i know i shouldnt. He doesnt give me ultimatums..or cut me out of the family line because of mistakes i make. he doesnt condemn me for listening to secular music or curse me for not going to church on sundayy nights or wednesdays. Yes I konw he wants me to be a devoted follower of him. And He does get disappointed with me..im sure of it.. but he never forgets to send me those sweet little reminders that he's still here loving...its okay to mess up.. i am freaking human. i am a stuggling child of God and hey... i dont have everything figured out. I never will. People arent perfect. churches arent perfect. they never have been. so we adapt. how? i have no clue. Hi..my name is sarah.. and i am a sinoholic. You are lying if you say you are not one too. Join me in helping one another to overcome this stagnant, cynical state of mind. I cant go on like this...it hurts too much. I miss really living life and loving it..not just letting the days pass with meaningless ritual.

Please....lets move on... together.

the one song that can soothe all my frusterations...

"Come My Way"

Hundreds come from everywhere
Just to see your face and touch the healer's hand
Desperate, I push through the crowd
If I could touch your clothes
I could feel your power

Come my way

Please look
And notice me
Just to release my pain
Just to know your name

Come my way I'm out of touch
I'm out of reach
I've got the faith to believe
Am I out of touch or out of reach
What would it take for you to walk towards me

I'm out of touch, out of reach
But I'm running towards you and it's all I believe

Come my way

Just a touch


Written by Skillet

(I'm sorry I dont know what website you can go to listen to it...)

So my brother got married April 29th. This was the huge wedding party. If you want to see more pictures go here...
http://www.flickr.com/photos/79516616@N00/

I will hopefully be adding more soon.

Its amazing what can happen in one week

I love you.

My heart hurts for my girls.
Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your family.


you know it

wow...

can someone punch me because I really can't believe that my brother is married...

so many mixed emotions.

tell you all later.

is that a banana in your pocket?

I am sitting in a hotel in alabama.. and my computer actually works. The ride down yesterday was very long and tiring. We left my house around 530am and got here around 6. We stopped at a mall for like an hour, though, so we couldve made it sooner. Its been fun bc my entire mom's side of the fam is in this hotel... so there hasn't been a dull moment, thats for sure. So waht's planned for today: bridal luncheon at noon-- i guess for the bridal party? not sure...-- then rehearsal tonight. It will definilty be interesting to see how all us bridal party (10 on each side) will fit on the stage considering the church is a just little bigger than Oak Harbor. Then tomorrow the wedding is at 5. I still cant believe my brother is getting married. SO CRAZY. I love the south. Its so great how they serve sweet tea everywhere.. sometimes it comes included with the meal! It was funny when we went to the mall yesterday.. there were about 9 of us in "traveling clothes" (aka we looked like bums) and we would walk past people in the mall that would just stop and stare... it was hIlarius.

great conversation of the day:
this morning my grandma was holding a banana and i was like, "Hey ma, put that banana in your pocket"
so she did, and my response, "Ma, is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
She rolled her eyes, took it out of her pocket, and laughed.
I enjoyed it, goodtimes.

anyhow.. that is my update.

Chrissi-- I hope all goes well with your party tomorrow... I know you all will have so much fun... sorry I am missing it. LOVE YOU!

do i hear wedding bells in the near future?

.........

my new favorite [lame] awesome joke...

Answer all 4 questions....

1. How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?

2. How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?

3. The Lion king is hosting an animal conference in the forest. All of the animals come but one... which one doesnt come?

4. You are walking and come to a river you must cross that alligators live in. How do you get across?



answers to come later....

life lessons

So.... I feel like I've been leaving you all in the dark.. not like there's that much in my life you can see if there was light anyway.
well... hmm... my brother is getting married 3 weeks from today. Completly crazy but I'm happy for him. I actually have mixed emotions about it sometimes.it jsut depends what day it is.. but today i feel good about it. We had a small (like 9 person) shower for Trishia today. JUst fam and close friends. It was fun..they are all crazy. But i love them. Its good to spend time with Trishia.. it doesnt happen all that often because she works so much and when she's home either we're all sleeping or I'm out somewhere. Tonight I think we are all goingto Liberty's passion play. Should be good. If any of you have caught the recent Skyline commercials with the guy driving the convertible with ladies in the car... or the one where his hair is on fire or something... he is going to be Jesus in the production...he also helps out with the youth at Liberty. He;s my brother's friend...he's such a ham.
So recently... in about 5 weeks i have finals..which is crazy. I feel like i just started at CCU. Future plans... right now I am planning on going to cincy state next year for nursing. I may start classes this summer but that all depends on my personal motivation, which I dont have much of at this point.
It's been a difficult year (and a half). Lets break it down:
-went on the most incredible adventure of my life thus far... Israel, Jordan, Paris
-(^also the beginning of my questioning things in life)
-graduated highschool
-chrissi moved (aka blue ice cream buddy!)
-megan...best friend from highschool...moved to new york
-started school at CCU
-emily..cousin my age... got married in november and moved to florida
-scott and i had a pretty bad fallout
-church drama
-^watching my friends as they go through incredible emotional pain
-I eloped last weekend and didnt tell anybody
-I'm about to separate from my church family
-brett got engaged, she moved in with us, and they are soon to be married


so basically... in summary i blame some of this on chrissi. She used to tell me that I depended on people too much and that one day God was going to take those people from me so that I would look to him instead of others (that wasnt word for word, but you get it). God has taken some very close people from me... but not in death.. in life. They have all moved on to a new chapter in life. Which is great for them. I love that for them but I just hate not seeing those people as much anymore. By the grace of God scott and i reconciled some things too... put our pride aside (that was sorta cheezy rhyming :) And he has brought other great people into my life... or should i say more into my life than they were. But I still love and miss those that are far away.
for the other stuff.... I'm still learning..still questioning. I'm not where I want to be in my relationsihp with God at all. I dont even know where to be right now or how to start. It sucks (for lack of better words) to have a part of your faith completely shattered before your eyes. But I konw that I have and will continue to learn so much from everything. And I'm excited when I think about how glorious it will be when I can look back and see how things have changed.. and how i have changed for the better. God is bringing something good out of this. You and I both know it. We just have to hold on together and help eachother get through the rough patches. I'm here for you always. I hope you know that.

I hope you all are doing great. Please update.. I'd really love to know what's going on personally in your lives... and I know i suck at updating but I will try to do more of it.
I love you dearly.


Just remember: "with your true heart devoted to Him jsut watch and see that what He gives is exactly what you truly wanted, but dared not dream to ask for."

Yahweh,
I sit here confused... with this completely tainted picture of you in my head. I want to know the real you. I long to see you for who you really are and not what other people project you as. Show me the real meaning of Christian and how to live that life as you intended. There are broken people all around... help us pick up the pieces and put them back together to create an even greater love, joy, and faith than before.
I know you are right here holding my hand. I want to do the right things... i want to be the person you want me to be... without the insecurities and blemishes. I want to radiate you. But I'm not sure i know how to do that or be that person right now...
not until I know who you are really.
I'm ready to learn......
**

The Age of Innocence

So today i was just doing nothing when the mail arrived.. little did I know at the time that it would completely change my life! So I recieved a letter that I initially thought was from world vision. As I looked closer at the picture staring at me from the plastic on the inside, I realized that it was my picture that i had entered in an online contest a few months ago. I quickly opened the letter that said my picture was advancing to the final competition to be held this summer... which has a great chance of winning one of over 114 cash or gift prizes.. including the $1,000 Grand Prize!! or the $10,000 annual grand prize!! I know that I'm no great photographer or anything (yet:) and that this is just a small amateur contest, but I am so excited!! The coolest part is that my photo is getting published in a photo book called "Endless Journeys". I know my photo will just be lost in this sea of beautiful pictures... so its not like mine is extra special..but it is still something to be proud of. and I am very proud!! but it didnt actually change my life... i was exaggerating at the beginning of this rambling nonsense. I have already posted this pic on here but just so you can see which one it is I'll post again...

These children are absolutely beautiful. I didn't even tell them to stand like that.. they did it themselves. Oh how I want to go back to Dominica!!!

My brother is getting married in just 5 weeks!! I cant believe that at all. They are still looking for an apartment. Lindsay and Daniel are supposed to be moving back in around May-ish..? I love having my family here.. but if Brett and Trishia arent out by the time linz and dan move in... I'll be getting out of here. I'll stay at the g-parents or soemthing. But theres no way i could handle all of them in one house. Arent they cute?...........
(Yes i took this one too!)

Sorry Its been awhile since I've posted. I just havent really been in the mood i guess lately. But I still think of you all often!
I love you and
you know it.

maybe I'll just quit and go work at a bar

So today when I came into work my mom was talking to this lady that happened to walk in and ask if they were hiring. We aren't really..unless one of us quits... but thats besides the point. So me and mom were driving to lunch and she was telling me about this lady and how qualified she was. The only thing she didn't like about her was that the lady said if they couldnt give her enough hours it was okay bc she'd probably just go work at a bar or something part time too. So my mom was like "That already gives her a stereotype of the kind of person she is". So I sat there thinking (that doesnt give her a stereotype.. YOU give her that stereotype..) and I was like "so what kind of person is she, mom?"
"well... the kind that works at a bar"
And that was an irritating response.
So I came back with something like "that doesnt make her a bad person. And I understand why someone would want to work at a bar."
so at this point i can feel her annoyance with me. "I'm not saying i would do it or anything.. but people make a lot of money being bartenders.. it makes sense."
So we went back and forth for a few minutes and she ended with "You are becoming a complete liberal!"

What?! What the heck do politics have anything to do with this? I wouldnt consider myself on either end of that spectrum at this point, and me saying that i dont disagree with someone's reasoning to work at a bar definitly doesnt make me a liberal.
Her defining of people and intolerance is so irritating!!

She's definitly worried about me. It's sort of humorous in a way because as I'm becoming more open minded and accepting of people, she sees that as me being pulled into the world or something and I'm about ready to fall off the edge. Maybe me arguing with her so much and playing devil's advocate isn't helping that any.

I love my mom, but sometimes I realize how bad I need to get away from here for a bit.

beauty from pain

I was looking through a journal from a few months ago and came across something I had written when I was in the prayer room on Aug. 26, 2005. I wrote down what God was saying to me:

Sarah,
It is I. I will never leave you or forsake you. Have faith in me and I will guide you where I want you to be. Don't be afraid, for I am always with you. Stay with me and follow me all all times. When you need me I will pick you up and carry you. You are and will always be my child. Have faith, my daughter. I will never leave you or let you go from my grip. Listen to what I tell you. Do not be foolish. Stray from temptations. Remember that I will NEVER give you too much that you can't handle, or put you in a situation that you don't have a way to get out of. You know what to do. I have already told you. Stop being so stubborn and open yourself up to my words. Do not worry- it doesn't help anything in any way. TRUST ME. Pray and call out to me daily. I love you. When you feel alone -look beside you- I will be there holding your hand.
Do not cry, my child. I am here.

Joshua 1:9 Be strong and courageous; do not be terrified, do not be discouraged for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.


That is a big thing for me to have written something like that. Becuase I'm not the greatest listener and don't often recieve (or hear) clear words from God. I wish that I could listen to that and believe and live by it. My hope has just shattered alot since then. I know He is there always..I can feel him. i just have this tendency to hold him at a distance at times in my life.

Don't hesitate to fill in your name where mine is.. He is speaking to you to. And I hope you are encouraged by His words.
____________________________________________________________________________________

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
and there'll be beauty from pain

-Superchick

my frusteration with celebrities

DOes anyone else get frusterated with this? http://www.worldvision.org/about_us.nsf/child/eNews_africa_030706?Open&campaign=1316011&cmp=EMC-1316011 There's all these people starving over there when celebrities are getting paid millions of dollars to act stupid (or act very well) in front of the world for entertainment! Did you see that correctly.. yes i said MILLIONS. You know how much food that could provide for people in Africa? Is it so hard to sacrifice like one paycheck to starving children? Really? I'm sorry... its just irritating to read this kind of stuff and know that it doesnt have to happen because there really IS enough money and food in the world to prevent it.

beating heart baby

oh summertime... how i miss you so.... So now my vacation options are: new york, florida, michigan, or colorado... I'd really love to go overseas but we all know i definitly dont have the money for that.. nor would i anytime soon. Road trips are fun... too bad my car probably wouldnt make it very far. So last sunday i went to crossroads church with my brother and friends. It was good. It wasnt like such a magnificent event or anything but being there i just felt so... refreshed. Theres alot thats been going on in my head and the week leading up to last sunday i felt beat... i had beaten myself up thinking about crap and just felt depressed. I was emotional from the minute i sat down for church. At the end of the service some awesome lady singers sang this song that I swear God was directing right at me. the words that caught me were "I love you more". That simple. It was such a great and big reminder as I sat and felt so little in that church of so many. "I love you more". Thats just beautiful to me and its hard to explain the picture I had in my head when those words were sung. I'm sorry i cant accurately share that with you. The service was about keeping God your center... not allowing money, possessions, status, or even people become your god. I do that a lot. And thats why i think i felt so crazy that week... I didnt let God in when i needed him the most. And im still keeping Him unintentionally at a distance. well i guess it is intentional if i know im doing it. But im trying not to. As far as the school stuff... i still dont know what im doing. my latest plan was to go to cincy states 2 year program. Theres like a 2 year waiting list or something though... but its better than waiting 5 years for UC. I dont even know if i love the idea of nursing... i just know it would be a good, secure job.. meaning i know i could always find a job... and im hoping to someday stay or even live for awhile in a different country.. and they always need nurses (like 3rd world countries). How great would that be? And completely rewarding to help people. oh i hate thinking about it bc it makes me want to go and again.. i have a limited source of money. So at this point it cant happen. but one day. "I love you more" 9And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, 10so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God. 11May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, 12giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. colossians 1:9-12

Hey, here's an idea...

If you aren't already... sponsor a child. You can pick where the child is from, what he/she looks like, basically anything your heart desires. You can provide so much for a child with just a small amount, and some prayer. Just think about it. http://www.worldvision.comcom

crazy cool medallions

So once apon a time a girl tried to put a video on her blog... the video never showed up but the "I LOVE IT" did... making no sense to the readrs.... so... in conclusion... I AM THAT GIRL! and the stupid blog wont letme delete that last post. Sorry the video didnt show. I dont remember what it was but im sure it was freakin hilarious. I've been a basketcase today... went to chapel this morning.... a first in awhile. It was pretty good. But whenever i sit down for any kind of service lately I've gotten in this bad habit of reading or writing.... anything having to do with not listening to the speaker... but i had to focus myself back in today. THen i had class...eh... paper is due NEXT thurs instead of this thurs! thats excitinng. anyone wanna write it for me? Its about free speech on college campus. I'm totally burnt out from writing papers the past few weeks. Like so much that I am really considering not ever writing another one. For me writing a paper is like sticking a knife in my arm and twisting it around a few times. YES>....THAT PAINFUL. I'm being dramatic here... but it is torturous. On the way to work after class I started gettting that feeling back of I WANNA GET THE HECK OUTA HERE! Like leave everything.... work, school, church, friends... im sorry friends..i love you i just want to be anywhere but here sometimes. The feeling isnt as strong right this second but its still there. We had dinner tonight with my sis and her beau... it was good. I miss my sister. I never see her anymore... its good to be together..we just laugh at everything. Maybe if i spend more time with her i wont feel so crazy all the time. wow... life... this time last year was so much different. Getting ready to go to Israel with my crazy girls... trying to decide where to go to school. Actually... besides going to israel i guess things arent that much different... im still trying to deicde where to go to school. I know what i want to do now I just lack the motivation to go through with it. sometimes i wish i wouldve stayed on campus at ccu. I really think i would love it right now. I just seclude mjyself so much sometimes. i hate it. i keep up a huge wall. im so freaking insecure. alright.... enough self-analyzing... i dont feel like hating myself right now. TO all my faithful readers... I LOVE YOU!! and thanks for being my friend...in spite of learning how my crazy brain works.

i love it!