note to self...

Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall.
Psalm 55:22

Jesus loves us all

God speaks, so listen

God speaks again and again, though people do not recognize it. He speaks in dreams, in visions of the night when deep sleep falls on people as they lie in bed. He whispers in their ear and terrifies them with his warning. He causes them to change their minds; he keeps them from pride. He keeps them from the grave, from crossing over the river of death. Or God disciplines people with sickness and pain, with ceaseless aching in their bones. They lose their appetite and do not care for even the most delicious food. They waste away to skin and bones. They are at death's door; the angels of death wait for them. "But if a special messenger from heaven is there to intercede for a person, to declare that he is upright, God will be gracious and say, `Set him free. Do not make him die, for I have found a ransom for his life.' Then his body will become as healthy as a child's, firm and youthful again. When he prays to God, he will be accepted. And God will receive him with joy and restore him to good standing. He will declare to his friends, `I sinned, but it was not worth it. God rescued me from the grave, and now my life is filled with light.' "Yes, God often does these things for people. He rescues them from the grave so they may live in the light of the living.

Job 33:14-30

birthday/mine is today

The greatest birthday gift I recieved today was the assurance that I am going to Israel! Apparently all the airline junk is all worked out and its a sure thing. What a relief.

Getting a car radio/cd player was also a huge plus :)

Oceans 12 came out today- i havent seen it yet but I totally cant wait until i do!

I'm out.
Peace to your mom...

Undecided

So I've been trying to be more open and willing to look at colleges- here and away... I know my deadline is real soon, but i also know that it doesnt have to be. Its just a little crazy sitting at lunch with some girls and they are all talking about what colleges theyve been accepted to and may be going... and I havent even applied yet. I know thats totally my fault- I've obviously been putting it all off- for way too long now. I just need guidance...

I will be turning 18 in 3 days and will be semi-officially an adult. The sad thing about this is that I am completely dependant and dont know how to do anything on my own. I definitly dont feel like an adult at all. I feel like I should still be a freshman in highschool- I basically have the same mind-set about my future as I did then, which is completely pathetic. Maybe its just the fact that I'm so content with my life right now(for the most part). And its so hard to think about doing anything else but go to school at Mason for like 6 or 7 hours everyday- thats all I've known for 13 years. Change is crazy. It will be good for me, Iknow, but I hate the thought of it right now.

I already know what you'd (whoever is reading this) may say or what advice you'd give-- which is probably the same as usual since this undesired topic of college comes up so involuntarily often. But if you think you've got something I havent heard yet, go ahead and take your best shot. I'll love you for it anyway:)

I dont want sympathy- I definitly dont expect it anyway. I just need prayer.

Faith is believing in the things unseen

So today I went shopping with my parents. Not as bad as it could have been- some of the time was fun. Somehow, as my dad and I were waiting on my mom as she was chatting with someone (not unusual), we got on the topic of college. My dad said that he thinks maybe it would be good for me to get away because he thinks they (my parents) are "getting" to me. So basically he senses my sparatic irritation with my mom...which actually happens more often than not. I've been so reluctant to think about college and I partially decided on Raymond Walters just as a "settlement" or decision just to get away from having to make big changes, I guess. Maybe I just needed my dad's "ok" to feel better about leaving them. I'm so incredibly dependent though, it's discusting. I'm still debating, but seriously contemplating going away- which the idea I absolutely loathed just a few months ago. Money is also a big issue for me- but I realize (with many people to tell me) that God will take care of it if it's supposed to be. Just like Israel! I never thought I would ever be able to go but I've already recieved like $900 in donations! I absolutely still cannot believe that.
Oh and please pray that I CAN go to Israel because of checks being lost/airlines may be booked... I dont konw whats going on but please pray about that.

Anyway... I love you... have a wicked awesome relaxing weekend. You need it.

Hebrews 11:1,3
What is Faith? Its the confident assurance that something we want is going to happen. Its the certainty that what we hope for is waiting for us, even though we can't see it up ahead... by faith- by believing in God- we know that the world and stars- in fact, all things- were made at God's command; and that they were all made from things that can't be seen.

power

Philippians 1:20-24 (Living Bible)

For I live in eager expectation and hope that I will never do anything that will cause me to be ashamed of myself but that I will always be ready to speak out boldly for Christ while I am going through all these trials here, just as I have in the past; and that I will always be an honor to Christ; whether I live or whether I must die. For to me, living means opportunities for Christ, and dying- well, that's better yet! But if living will give me more opportunities to win people to Christ, then I really dont know which is better, to live or die! Somtimes I want to live and at other times I dont, for I long to go and be with Christ. How much happier for me than being here! But the fact is that I can be of more help to you by staying!
_____________________________________________________________________

I've been really into praying lately. It's been so awesome. Every day I have like 4 or 5 different people in mind to pray for- and I write them on my hand or something so that every time i remember throughout the day I will pray for them. What is more of a blessing than praying for someone? (besides being prayed for). I encourage anyone that may read this to think more seriously about prayer and how powerful it really is. Think of all the unsaved, and the many that may be lonely or just need encouragement or a friend to talk to. Never forget to pray for them! Even the people that seem like they've got it all together need prayer. Nobody is perfect. Thank you Lord for allowing us to come and talk to you!

OH how he moves

This long weekend has been great. I went into the 24- God conference thinking about how we were gonna fit so many people into our small (but precious) church and basically not thinking it would be that different from last year's in Campbellsville. Those of you that were there know that it was OH so different. It had the potential to be disappointing because only a few of our kids showed up and like 5 kids from KY. But something wasnt letting my spirit fall- I knew thats how many people were supposed to be there and that it didnt matter about numbers anyway. I was just syked because a friend that has been having some problems was there because her mom made her come. But I wasnt about to let her be in a bad mood or not have fun- I think she had fun- I tried. I feel like God was working in her heart while we were there. I prayed with her one night and we both cried- her family is going through some rough times. I'm just afraid that she isnt fully accepting the change she knows she needs to do- that she maybe doesnt realize how real God truly is and how much he cares for her and loves her unconditionally. I just hope she really got something out of this weekend. I did.
I learned I have a passion for people...and compassion for people. It hurts me sometimes to see their pain, but at the same time I am thankful that God has given me this gift to care for others.

Some may still look back on this conference thing and think of how many other people shouldve been there and maybe think it was a waste of time or something because we had so few of even our own kids there. But I saw God work and I konw that hearts were touched. His holy conviction was working through many- whether some made it obvious or not. I'm so thankful for having the opportunity to have gone and been touched by the unconditional lover of my heart. I will never get to where I want to be in my spiritual journey- I could never be close enough to the father. But I know that he loves me no matter how little I read his word or how prideful I may be at times, or even when I choose to think about the comfort of my future husband rather than the unconditional comfort, love, peace, and so much more, that my holy husband will forever provide me with.

I love my friends. They are so awesome. I am so incredibly blessed to have friends that care for me so much and that I care for. I pray that I never ever take any of them for granted.
I also have a great family that I dont always appreciate. Thank you Lord for my family!

I needed this weekend. It's been awhile.

THANKSGIVING

I dont feel like anyone even reads this anymore but whatever... I still feel like writing. Happy Thanksgiving!! Today has been a good, relaxing day with the fam. I feel like I've been reluctant to accept that Christmas is coming. I don't know why though, I always love Christmas. But the past few days have begun to put me in the christmas mood and I'm half-mentally prepared. But I dont have much money to spend on other people and I'm not really expecting much this year either. But It will be good just to be with the family an dmake junk food :) I think me and my sis are going to make a gingerbread house this year! It'll be great. THE END.

heck yeah

Skillet totally rocked my face off tonight. Wicked awesome :)

just pray

My church will be in our new building tomorrow (today/Sunday) and leading up to it we had a 48 hour prayer thing. So throughout the week we were collecting prayer requests from the community and whoever else. I asked some people from school too. I really liked doing that- I think I will more often. I think it's a blessing to pray for other people, and most of the time they feel grateful that you've asked, so you are both feeling good from it.

So I will ask: Does anyone have anything they'd like me to pray about?

"Lord, you know the hopes of humble people. Surely you will hear their cries and comfort their hearts by helping them."
Psalms 10: 17

"I will answer them before they even call to me. While they are still talking to me about their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers." Isaiah 65:24

at school

I am sitting in creative writing class right now and I have serious writer's block. I hate writing in the computer lab, it's so drab in here. We've been in here for like 45 minutes and I've only written like 2 paragraphs of a, supposed to be, 5 page paper due next friday. I'm really liking my story though. I think it has an interesting plot but I just can't think of how to write it. There's some abuse involved and I'm afraid the people that read it will think that it happened to me, but it totally didnt. Well, I better go try to write some. Peace out.

This verse has been swimming around in my head for awhile...
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Psalm 34:18


i love kristyn newswanger- she is such a blessing :)

The Gift Of Cool

This is in the top 5 most wicked awesome songs I've ever heard:

The Gift of Cool by The Rock and Roll Worship Circus

I remember the day when the love of God landed in our town
he took all the silent and broken hearts, fixed them up
and gave them a sound
you had almost every different kind of kid
from every different kind of social background
taking all the cool they had and praising God,
as He spun them around
when God came to town...
and the people in our churches, they were constantly amazed
at the kids kneeling at the altar with their different fashion flares
you had squares, preps, and skater punks,
goths and techno-ravers
and the tattooed kids with colored hair...
and they were all getting saved

You think the 60's had good vibrations?
well, check out my generation...

We will run and never stop
yeah, we all will stand together
taking everything we are
and then praising Him forever
well, anyone and everyone,
come and join us for a good time
we are breaking all the rules
by praising God
with your Gift of Cool...

suddenly almost every kid in town had finally found their way
to take all the gifts and talents and beauty they had
and worship God every day
man, you had all the high school parties,
and they were turning them into worship raves
and the sounds of the underground in town had turned to praise

when Your people sing, all of heaven sings... so sing!
is that cool?
lift your hands up to the sky
yeah, we all will sing together
taking everything we are
and then praising Him forever
_______________________________________________________________
Freakin awesome... I love it
_______________________________________________________________
*Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart -Psalm 37:4

the comfort box needs to be crushed

Tonight I went to this really awesome bible study with people from school. We talked a lot about stepping outside of our comfort boxes- I know I need to do that and make more of an effort to witness. One of the main things that sticks out from tonight is: one of the guys said that there are 3 respnses someone can have when you talk to them about God: accept him, reject him, or brush it off. There is a 33.3% chance each of those things will happen, but they should all be worth it for you to tell them. 1-If they believe and want to accept what you saying about God- tahts incredible! Now they have an eternity in heaven. 2-If they reject him, oh well, you've planted a seed and you will still be going to heaven. The fear of rejection is no reason to keep from telling someone about God's love. YOU'VE GOT NOTHING TO LOSE. 3- They brush it off. That means it is still open for discussion unless GOd closes it. So in conclusion, all three of these are gaurunteed 100%. God will give you the strength and wisdom when he leads you to tell someone about him. Just have faith. (I am preaching to myself also).

John 1:5- "The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it."

God and I love you

this is love

The last song I posted was my 2nd favorite song of all time, this is my definite favorite ever...


This Is Love by Cool Hand Luke

Is this love
or something to think of?

We fool ourselves for comfort,
We're swayed by every wind.
And if this isn't true love,
then we can just pretend.
But what is love?

This is love
that you would die for me.

Is this real
or something to feel?

Confused by our emotions,
confused by what we see.
We trade in our patience,
for false security.
But is this love?

This is love,
that you would die for me.

When I'm falling down,
you save me.
_________________________________________________________________
Romans 3:31- "Only when we trust Jesus can we truly obey him."

Romans 4:4,5- "...being saved is a gift; if a person could earn it by being good, then it wouldn't be free- but it is! For God declares sinners to be good in his sight if they have faith in Christ to save them from God's wrath.

Romans 5:1- "Since we have been made right in God's sight by faith in his promises, we can have real peace with him because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us."
_________________________________________________________________
I want to be a good person. I want to be a leader. I am lazy. I don't follow through. i am indecisive- I am the baby of the family. Yes, lame excuse. I want to get into people's minds, I love to figure people out.

I want to be someone people can feel comfortable talking to. I dont want to be someone that doesn't take good advice when I need it-but that's who I am.

A friend of mine bugs me so much because I can always tell when she really needs to talk about it but it's so freakin hard to get her to talk, but she eventually will. So that happened tonight and i didnt get a chance to really talk to her- I'll have to call her tomorrow- it's really irritating.

Random, I know...

Isn't God's grace unbelievable? I hate that i take it for granted so much. Someday I'll learn.

if it would all just leave my mind...

So...I'm really getting sick of everything that's been on my mind lately...Let's see...college and decisions-to go away, stay home and go local, estitition school? Friends that I miss and cant hang with anymore..., highschool-and getting work done and thinking i should make more friends and witness... Writing letters and raising money by the end of November to go to Israel (Israel's the one thing i dont mind thinking about)... hating myself for all my weaknesses that I cant overcome, and appearantly dont have enough trust either... thinking about my girls at church and how we need to get together more-maybe have accountability groups or something- but ive had so much to do lately that I havent gone through with any of my ideas to do that... I know I need to be in the word more (the bible) and spending a heck of lot more time with my heavenly daddy, and I hate that I havent been making more of an effort... and thinking about the tragedy that Mason High and Scarlet went through this week with the death of another student. I feel so totally numb to that now- like I dont feel like it actually happened and when it does register I dont even have a reaction to it. Of course I'm sad for his friends and family-but its like every year something like this happens so it doesnt come as such a shocker anymore or something- and I feeel horrible about that.
After I like get mad or have a pity party for myself about being busy ever (which isnt that often), or decisions or anything- I hate myself for it because I know so many people have things a lot worse than me, and I;m just being a spoiled, stubborn brat when I dont listen to what God is telling me what to do about all these things...
I pray that I will listen to my own advice to other people about things and apply it to my own life...

It's so stupid that I ask for all these answers and dont have the patience to wait for the answers... how ignorant is that?

"You know how full of love and kindness our Lord Jesus was: though he was so very rich, yet to help you he became so very poor, so that by being poor he could make you rich." 2 Corinthians 8:9 (The Living Bible)

I dont want pity (I dont know why I would deserve it anyway) I just want to spend more time with God

If I could only obey...

One of my most favorite songs of all time:

Paradigm by All Together Separate

Everybody loves a rose
Will you be thankful for the thorns?
Love is easy when you're loved
Do you curse another when you're alone?

Oh I give my life to you
So I can gain it back again
I stand solid while the paradigm is shifting

You say live and let live
But people are dying everyday
And you say that what I dont know wont hurt me
But if what I do not know is the very thing I need
Then I say...

I give my life to you
So I can gain it back again
I stand solid while the paradigm is shifting

Humanity sees truth
through shattered window panes
That block the view
but plant a seed
So we draw the curtains to a close but I say
That the sun can still shine
Behind a closed mind
And sticks and stones do hurt
When tossed from the tongue of mankind

Oh I give my life to you
so I can gain it back again
I stand solid while the paradigm is shifting
Away...
_____________________________________________________________
I love it.

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. -Psalm 37:4

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him... -Psalm 37:7

A curse

Today has been a really crappy day both inside and out. In first bell we were all informed that a Mason student was killed in a weather related car accident last night. I knew the guy but I wasn't close to him at all. Every year someone dies (or comes close) from Mason. I swear we are all cursed. It doesn't matter if you go to a different school now, or have even graduated...I feel we will never be free from the curse, it's inevitable.

I feel like I have kinda lost a best friend. It's a friend that I guess I have majorly taken for granted in the past. We didnt get into a fight or anything, but I feel like certain circumstances are going to prevent us from hanging out anymore. I'm not mad or anything. I'm actually really happy for him, but I just hate change and know our friendship really won't be the same (for awhile, at least). We haven't talked in like over 2 weeks- but I did leave a message on his machine yesterday. If anyone is reading this- please pray that it won't be weird for either of us when we're around eachother and that I won't be so selfish about this whole thing. Thanks.

high school

I feel like such a loser. Tomorrow is homecoming and today we had a pep rally to get everyone excited for it and for the game tonight. So I went to school, stayed for the first 3 periods and left before the pep rally. Why don't I have school spirit? I don't know, that's why I asked you. There were probably like 20 people out of the entire 2400+ student body that werent wearing green (our school color). Of course, I was one of them. But I was half spirited: I was wearing my "senior" shirt, but it is orange, pink, and yellow tie-dye. I dont hate school. I do try to be involved in some things: I am in HOPE club (a community service club) and FCA (fellowship of christian atheletes)- but ive only been to one of those meetings so far.
I guess I dont like going to pep rallys because I dont like pretending like I'm having fun. I have friends at school but theres only like one that I actually hang out with outside of school. I mostly hang out with people from my church, my sister, and the bond girls :)
Part of me felt horrible driving home because I feel like I should want to have school spirit and be involved. I guess I just feel like there's so much more than high school- why get myself sucked in? High school is such a small part of life. So many people look at me like i have 3 heads when I say i dont really like school. "But high school is supposed to be the best years of your life!" They say. Dont get me wrong, I'm sure I'll look back and say that ages 13-18 were like the funnest experiences- but pretty much most of those experiences will be times I hung out with people outside of school- not actually HS itself. I just dont feel like I'll miss it much when I'm gone (which will be FEBRUARY!!! Crazy...) I'm such a nerd- I'll probably miss some of my teachers more than students. I've had some really awesome teachers that have taught me a lot more in life than just algebra or english.

I'm done reflecting or whatever you wanna call it.

By the way... I am listening to the Rock and ROll Worship Circus- yall need to go hear them if you dont know who they are--they freaken ROCK.

I love you.

Poem

AT LAST...

Oh, to finally see your face
So bright with radience
I have been saved by amazing Grace
I can no longer control my patience

To be by your thrown in Heaven
I can't even comprehend
What it will be like
To be reunited with family and friends

To see everyone there
I can think of nothing better
The world will never compare
And we are all finally again together

HE is my comfort

Jesus amazes me everyday. Yesterday I was totally stressing out about school. I had a 5 page play (I had completed one page so far), a research paper, a debate paper for my Government class, and a small assignment in another class all due Friday. But I completed the debate paper last night so i wouldnt have as much to do today and tomorrow. So I go into school today and my creative writing teacher says that he is pushing back the due date on the Play to next Tuesday! Wow, I was extremely relieved. Next bell was English, and out of nowhere my teacher says she is pushing back the research paper to be due on Monday!! How awesome is that?! God knew my worries and appearently He thought it was too much for me to handle (or He just decided to make me happy). I love HIm.

Thanks Lord, for lightening up my load for now! I really needed that. I love you.

Quality time with Grandpa

So today I went to lunch at Twin Dragon with my grandpa, "Pa" as he is called in "grandkid" terms. It was good- I havent really spent a whole lot of time just talking to him. We talked alot about the bible and things going on in Isreal today. And I asked him what he thought about my possibly going to Isreal in February. He said he thinks it's still really dangerous over there but it would be such a wicked awesome experience. (He didnt actually say "wicked awesome" in our conversation...but I thought it would add more emphasis to my excitement.) He is a very wise man and is interesting to have conversations with. Especially about the bible considering he has been a pastor for like over 40 years. God has blessed me with such awesome grandparents.

It's hard for me sometimes to understand that some things in the bible actually happened. I mean i totally do believe it happened becuase it's obviously in the bible, but it's like the whole world is so set on the "I have to see it to believe it" kinda stuff. And sometimes I get sucked in. For example, the fact that Jonah actually lived inside a whale for days. That's hard to believe, ya know? And I immediatly think about how he could have lived through the whale's whole digestion process but I stop my thinking in the middle--I need to stop thinking so techniqually and moreso with faith. I mean of course it happened...GOD made it happen and he can do all things. But sometimes it makes me think: if I don't have the faith that things in the bible happened, how will I have the faith that he will guide me in my own life? I know "If you even have faith the size of a small mustard seed you can do miraculous things" (my own paraphrase from Luke 17:6). But at times I don't even feel that I have faith as small as that. I'm so horrible because I'm always trying to encourage people that God will get them through things and that he will direct them where they need to go- but I don't even listen to myself and apply what I say to my own life- isn't that considered hypacritical? I do believe that God is going to guide me the next few months to where I'm supposed to be (college and whatnot..) but sometimes I feel like I'm never gonnna get those answers. But I have to tell myself during those times the same things I tell other people: God is going to give you the answers that you need...

I love Psalm 91 (below are vs. 1, 2, 5, 11, 12, 14-16 from the Living Bible):
"We live within the shadow of the Almighty, sheltered by the God who is above all gods. This I declare, that he alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I am trusting him... You don't need to be afraid of the dark any more, nor fear the dangers of the day... He orders his angels to protect you wherever you go. They will steady you with their hands to keep you from stumbling against the rocks on the trail... For the Lord says, "Because he loves me, I will rescue him; I will make him great because he trusts in my name. WHen he calls on me I wil answer; I will be with him in trouble, and rescue him and honor him. I will satisfy him with a full life and give him my salvation."

Sorry that was long. I would, however, recommend reading all of ps. 91. It's really great. Thanks for reading so much- it's my longest blog so far! I love you guys.

To Blog Or Not To Blog...

I was very hesitant about creating this for myself...half the time what I'm thinking doesn't even make sense to me so why would it on here? And who would read my nonsense? It's not like a private journal where I can discuss certain people with myself about with them not knowing about it. So why am I even doing this? (You may be wondering). I guess its a way for people to get into my head (the times it does make sense) and possibly learn more about me. And everyone and their brother has something like this-- so why shoudlnt I? I know... that's wayy lame. Okay, so I'm a poser- whatever. Who knows if this will work out for me anyways...I'll just try it all out for now.

Today has been a weird day. It's like one of those days I just want to go listen to some emo music and cry or something. But instead of doing that I decided to write. I cant exactly describe my problem, its not really a problem though... just something stupid. I'm done. See that, I cant even write what i want to. Yes, I care about what people think. I'm a freak. I should go read my bible now.

I'm out yall... see you on the flipp side