back to CCU?

Why did I feel like I was so busy in the summer? I did nothing. Actually I am pretty pissed at myself for not working 2 jobs when I had the perfect opportunity to make a lot of money. Now I need it and don't have the time... well, as much time. Getting past the first week of classes was rough.. but now that I;m sort of in a routine its not as bad. I try not to dread it becuase it only makes it worse if I expect it to be bad. So today I decided to be non-social and have a lazy day. It really feels good to have days like that. I watched many grey's anatomy episodes (still have like 14 or so to go before I finish the 2nd season!!) The new season starts thursday..not much time. I am definilty addicted..so addicted.
I got a letter in the mail today from CCU (the school I went to last year..but no longer attending) stating my current balance for this semester which is -3.71... they would owe us 3.71 because of the scholarships i would recieve there. It makes no sense that I didnt even register there this semester and its paid for.. but the school I am going to I get nothing. Is it dumb to think its a sign to go back to CCU since it will be paid for through scholoarships? I know I've talked about school so much you're probably sick of hearing about it but here i go again... some days I feel i could do this nursing thing.. but I dont want to be just the nurse..I want to be higher in the chain and actually do more than get bossed around. Of course Grey's Anatomy is in my head right now, and therefore a large influence in my thinking today. And yes I am living vicariously through those surgeons each episode I watch but I konw I couldnt do that all the time. I dont want my career to be my life, I actually want a family of my own some day.
Sometimes I feel like I should have been born like 50 years ago when women didn't have many rights--as far as careers go. I definilty wouldnt have been a feminist. Call me lazy and dependent alll you want but I'd be satisfied being the stay at home mom while the husband works. That doesnt mean thats whats gonna happen..I'm just saying I wouldnt mind it. There was so much less pressure back then to have a career.. but I guess there was a lot more pressure on getting married young.

OK I'm done... dont exactly know where all that came from.. I guess a day off not doing much but thinking will do that to ya.

So I got an email from the professor that took us to Irael and he said that the Greece trip is on for spring break. And he thinks it will be around $1800-2000. Thats a lot less than i originally thought it would be. ANyone else intereseted in going to Greece?? I'm still not positive I'm going but I really want to go!.. It just depends if I can be off of school during CCU's spring break and if I can get the money in time.

Thats all.

school dayz... woo hoo

So I'll let napolean dynamite help me out with this one... (click on the link)

http://www.reelwavs.com/movies/sounds/napoleon_dynamite/howwasschool.wav

Gotta love it!
Well maybe he is exaggerating... it wasn't the worst day of my life but it was freaking long. So here's my yesterday schedule:

7:30..Left for school, sat in traffic and got there in time for class
8:30-9:45.. psychology
9:50-10:45.. Went by the financial aid office and found out I'm getting no help this term..and the money is due next week. Loves it. I proceeded to find my next class but ended up in the cafeteria. Grabbed some chips and sat to read until
11:00-1:50..Chemistry. I hated it with a passion. I should be taking anatomy right now but because I didn't take both parts of chem in highschool I have to do them over. Suck. It was aweful. THe professor sort of looked like a muppet..I dont know their names so i cant tell you which one. 3 hours of sitting..hearing this guy talk about something that I probably should've been listening to. We did have two 15 min breaks in there.
2:00..left school and as I pulled out of the parking garage I saw that the price was $5 now instead of $2. Gorgeous. $10 a week... $40 a month... so about $90 for the term? I konw I'm whining... but I had it so good at CCU... school was paid for through financial aid and parking was free.
2:30-4:45..Worked at the good ol' orthodontist office. As much as i complain about this job i guess it really is a blessing because they are so flexible with me. But I guess they dont really have a choice.
5:00..left work and headed for evendale.
5:30-10:00..Nurses Aid class in the evendale campus. Praise the Lord that I dont have to go back to the main campus. And no..I didnt write it wrong..it really is a 4.5 hr class. Last night we had one 10 min break at like 630. So needless to say we were all getting pretty anxious to get out of there. I know that when we get further into it it wont be as bad because we will actually be doing things, but last night was the first night so they had to go over everything.
10:30..Got home, said hi to the parents, checked my email and went to sleep.

It was a long day. But its over...until I do it all again tomorrow. The good news is that only tuesdays should be like that. Thursdays I usually dont work (except for tomorrow) so I can jsut go to my grandmas (who lives in evendale 5 min from the evendale campus) and sleep or play games or whatever with her.
I absolutely hate the first week of school. I'd rather skip all the introduction stuff and get the point of being there. But it has to be done I guess.
Cincy state goes on terms and this one ends at the beginning of november. 2 months.

I'm terrified I'm gonna get finished with this term and not want to do nursing anymore. Please pray for God to reveal this to me!! (whether i should do it or not). Thanks all. Love you.

beating hearts baby

ok its official... I'm addicted to Grey's Anatomy. I actually was in love with it the first time i saw it but never could catch it when it was on... but now I have the first season and cant stop watching.
I have a few invites for you all... Thursday my friend Justin (he plays guitar and sings) is playing at Liberty Heights church. Should be good..if you wanna join me..
ALSO>>> Sunday my parents are having this cookout after church and also games and such for the kids to play. I told them I'd come and help with the kids..anyone else interested? They are all such great kids and i want to keep them all. Its hard because I've been on my parents about leaving because I know they are not happy there, but at the same time I know they love those kids, and feel like they would be abandoning them if they left. Pray for this situation. I still have this urge in my heart for mikayla. It makes me sad to think about her and what obsticles she's going to have to overcome as she gets older. If she even makes it that long. (if you have no idea who I'm talking about go back to the post about the zoo).
I've really been thinking about this whole career thing... and I really do think I wanna be a baby nurse... in neonatal care. That's probably gonna change eventually.. but for now it sounds good to me. And about the whole current job situation..I'm gonna stay where I am. I am thinking he is going to retire within the next year or so (hopefully) and there will probably be some sort of lump sum attached to that for each of us employees...so I'm sort of trying to hold out until then. But it is a good paying job and flexible..I am just feeling the need to move on. But I cant really do that until i get another job. So I was thinking that after I take this nurses aid training this term I should apply to one of the hospitals for a job. I know I'll have a better chance of getting a job if i wait and take the training first.
Some may say I'm spoiled because I dont pay my car insurance or phone bill (I hesitate even saying that..knowing again I show my age by not having many responsibilities). I told my mom today I would start paying those just so I can start getting ready for..life..for later when I have lots of other bills to pay. She basically told me to shut up and just use this time to save. I feel like I should have a lot more money saved up considering my living situation and such. But then again I do have a 2-day-a-week job. I did apply somewhere else but have heard nothing thus far.

This year I've really learned how important it is to have community. Or to live in community with others. I love it. And its hard to for me to understand how some people..like my sister..do it..who dont really have community outside of the immediate family . SHe just works too much at this job I know she should quit...while going to school full time and also living with my parents and attending to her husband. Its gotta be hard. Most of her friends that she still talks to (most of them on occasion) are shallow and self-centered. I try to be there for her...to listen when she vents...and have fun when we have time...but i know she needs more..she needs others...she needs more community. I dont even know why I went in to this right now.... except that she needs to be in my prayers more..and I ask that she be in yours also.

come back chrissi alice. i miss you. i love you love you.
blue ice cream is available for a few more weekends!


kati: did you ever see devon anymore? man I'm gonna miss that kid...


beating heart baby :)

my favorite little man...

This is Austin. He is my favorite kid ever. Look at those adorable ears!

I think I mentioned in a previous post that we went to the zoo last Thursday. Robby was our photographer (what a shocker!) At one point my grandma asked if he worked and took pictures for the zoo... she didnt know he came with us. Gotta love her...
So anyway... thanks to Robby we have all these great pictures! So if you'd like to get in on some of the fun I will add a link to Robby's flickr site so you can view the pics. (I hope you don't mind Robby!)
The link is under "links" (titled Robby's flickr pics) to the right of this page.

Love you all.

we never saw the elephants

So I've been wanting to take the kids from my mom's church to the zoo for awhile... just something fun for them to do.. and today we finally went. It was about 15 or so kids, and around 10 adults? It was good. Thanks again to scotty, robby and ashley who came.. and lindsay... it would have been harder without them there to watch over some. I was worried about today, actually, becuase something always goes wrong.. like a tire goes out, or someone gets sick/hurt.. something like that. But everything went well and I think all the kids enjoyed it.. even my favorite little ones..
I've told a few of you about my favorite little girl Mikayla... she is 3 years old and has spinal bifida. She wasnt ever supposed to walk but she does.. she wears braces on her legs and she walks almost as well as any other 3 year old (with double the determination). I love her. She is the cutest little girl I've ever met. Her homelife isn't very good- very unstable, and they dont always respnd immediately to her disabled needs. It tears me up because I dont understand how her family doesnt look at her everyday and see how much of a blessing she is. Maybe they just see her as a waste of money (on medical bills) and... well i dont even know waht they think... but i see her little smiling face, as she's wobbling around on her braced legs..and just think of what a little miracle she is. I want her so badly. My mom and grandma have both said that if she was ever taken out of her house, or the option was ever put out there to adopt her, they would both fight for her. She deserves so much more love and care than she's getting. I'm not doubting her parent's love for her... but i am doubting their concern and care for her needs. Her dad didn't even want to take her to the hospital last weeek when she had a temperature of 104. He told my grandma something like, "I'm not just gonna go take her to the doctor every time something is wrong with her". um.. why not? she is your daughter and needs you! She's 3..she cant survive this on her own. Its been said that she's not supposed to live very long. I cant even imagine... My heart breaks for her.

so anyway.. we had fun at the zoo. I got to hang out with all my favorite kids.. and everyone had fun, no one was injured.

please pray for mikayla and family. I'm never sure how to exactly pray for these situations... that she gets taken from her home and we get her? or that her family sobers up and realizes what an angel they have.. and the needs she has.

my amusement for today

Whats uP? I haven't told a story in awhile so I decided to share my day. It was lame but there were a few comic reliefs involved. So this morning I left nerdwood at 640 and got inside school around 7. When I arrived at the door of the office i was supposed to be at I noticed there were 4 other girls waiting also. (I was warned there would be a line already formed at the door). We were all told to be there at 7, though we weren't allowed in until 730. So that was great. Finally 730 came around and we all went in to get some papers signed to get into the nurses aid training, followed by "now you must go downstairs and register". Okay.... I thought we were already waiting in line to be registered, but whatever.... so after signed papers i eventually found my way downstairs to stand in another line to get registered for this class. It was around 730 and of course this office wouldn't open until 8. So we waited...once again. And the doors opened.. and we waited as we were helped one by one. (I was about 6th in line). The actual registering took about 2.5 minutes so I pretty much had a bunch of time to waste before my 930 appt. with my advisor.
(Fast forwarding...)
Here I am waiting for my appointment and I recognize this guy (of short stature) that works at the urgent care I went to in West Chester. He was waiting with a friend that was trying to decide on his classes. So I was talking to them both about classes, majors, where they live, jobs, etc. Just casual conversation. His friend was like brazillian or something and I can't deny my eyes were occasionally fixed on his pretty face...I mean what..? I mean he was..his friend's name was adam or something and this kid's name was..well i really dont remember. I was too busy listening to the brazillian guy's accent. Ok so anyway... we are all talking..and waiting. Then all the sudden the short urgent care guy is like "can you help me with something?" and he hands me his razor cell phone (I hate razor cell phones, by the way. No offense if you have one or like it, but I think they're oogly). And my name is entered and he wants me to type in my number. So this creates somewhat of an awkward moment because here we are all just chillin and talking and he has to ruin it for asking for my number. Ok so right when he hands me the phone my advisor comes out and says "Sarah?" So I quickly give back the phone without entering my digits and said something lame like "well I'll probably see you around soon". SAVED BY THE ADVISOR. I knew they were good for something. Now I'm kinda creeped out by him. Yes its only a phone number but those who know me know you have to be subtle about these things or I get scared and run from you. And I have this fear he's like gonna look up my number at the urgent care place (since he works there, and therefore has access). Maybe I really do need to be dating someone so I can get out of situations like that without actually lying about why I'm not gonna give them my number. The creepy kid actually asked me (sort of joking..sort of) when I got up to go to my meeting if I wanted him to wait for me... I gave him a courtesy smile and walked on...probably rolling my eyes after passing him by.
..........................
So I'm at work later and so tired. So on my lunchbreak I get a starbucks caramel macchiato. I was a complete coffee freak last year during school, but I really havent drank much this summer. And I dont drink soda so needless to say my insides arent used to caffeine anymore. I drank my starbucks in about 10 minutes and my head was so A.D.D. for like 5 hours. My heart was racing and I couldnt focus. It was weird because I was so tired and felt like i was moving in slow motion, yet my brain was trying to move on double time. At one point i was supposed to tack on this bracket on this other thing for my mom and within like 10 seconds i was so frusterated and told her i couldnt do it anymore. It was weird to have this caffeine high. I used to claim caffeine had no effect on me. Well I lie.

Thats all. I'm sorry I didnt sarcasm it up like was possible... I was somewhat lacking inspiration.

love yous.

The Sabbath

Hey people.. so a few weeks ago we were talking about the Sabbath in bible study... I've been re-reading velvet elvis and I just came apon Rob Bell talking about this...

When we read the word Sabbath, most of us think of a day in the week, wich is what it is. But I have learned that the real issue behind the sabbath isnt which day of the week it is but how we live all the time....

Sabbath is taking a day a week to remind myself that I did not make the world and that it will continue to exist without my efforts.

Sabbath is a day when my work is done, even if it isnt't.

Sabbath is a day when my job is to enjoy. Period.

Sabbath is a day when I am fully available to myself and those I love most.

Sabbath is a day when I remember that when God made the world, he saw that it was good.

Sabbath is a day when I produce nothing.

Sabbath is a day when I remind myself that I am not a machine.

Sabbath is a day when at the end i say, "I didn't do anything today," and I don't add, "And I feel so guilty."

Sabbath is a day when my phone is turned off, I don't check my email, and you can't get ahold of me.

Jesus wants to heal our souls, wants to give us the shalom (peace) of God. And so we have to stop. We have to slow down. We have to sit still and stare out the window and let the engine come to an idle. We have to listen to what our inner voice is saying.
(p 117-118 of Velvet Elvis)


Robbellions :)

would you lie with me and just forget the world.

hi friends.
its been awhile for me. I just felt i should update those that i dont see everyday.
Lets go through the main topics...
SCHOOL: the plan for now is to go to Cincinnati state for nursing. i have no idea what my future looks like.... i dont want to be stuck in a hospital around here doing the same things everyday... what i mean is i want to TRAVEL! oh so badly... I definilty lack the funding..but then again- i dont know what my future holds.. maybe ill change my mind again next year..although i hope not. I dont have everything ready for this school year.. i need to get some financial aid stuff sorted out and schedule my classes (i cant do that till sept).
WORK: STill at the orthodontist office. I dont love it. But I'm hating it less. Actually I plan on staying there a bit longer (if it fits in my school schedule).. while possibly looking into a job at a retirement home (Cedar Village) as a nurses aid or server or something. I heard they pay well, have good hours, and may pay for schooling if you make a deal to work for them for so long after you graduate. I'm still trying to check all that out.
Well now that the boring stuff is over... TRAVEL:so there is this Greece trip coming up like the beginning of next year that I'd really love to go to. But i have a problem with saving money, especially since i havent worked a whole lot this summer. So I may not be going. Also, I'm trying to save up for this digital SLR camera I'm in love with.. along with money for another trip to dominica in january, and also a car..further in my future. Soo....needless to say...Greece is probably more out of the picture than I'd like to think.
CHURCH: uh...still looking? Well not really looking, but I'm not necessarily completely content. I've been going to the vineyard and I like it, but I dont think I'd really call it my "church home". Its so big and I havent been motivated to get involved in a small group yet. So yes i know thats my fault.
MALES: haha... wouldnt you like to know? yeah I'm just kidding... there really isnt much to say in this category.. I'm sure you are surprised.
OTHER: I'm upset taht Tina Fey is off SNL. It wont be the same without her. by the way... next month (AUGUST) is the only month you can email SNL to get in their ticket lottery thing. SO DO IT! and if you dont really want to go you could always sell your tickets to me if you got them!

The summer has been good. Went to florida,.... hmmmm... went to morehead,ky.... I've gone swimming... seen movies... ok so I'm lame. but i did go to florida. I like to rub it in. and I got to hang out with crazy katie for a whole week. sweet. KY was fun too... i love painting fences with used motor oil. Its probably now my favorite pastime.

im gonna stop dragging this out now.

thats all.

standing at the gate called 'beautiful'

Tonight I could really feel the healing that has been happening in your lives lately... even if you didnt necessarily think there was... i could feel it.. and hear it in your voices.

Thank you for that. It is a great encouragment.

its the little things that get me through

I wish i had the motivation to write more. I miss it. I really miss the communication through blogging..nobody really writes much anymore.Life gets too busy? Or I guess isn't interesting enough to share. Maybe in my case theres so much going on in my head that I'd like to share... but I'm not sure I'm ready to unleash all that confusion on everyone who reads this..if anyone does anymore. This is an open blog to basically anyone... and I dont really trust that. It makes me nervous sometimes. But then again, who really cares.

If only i could put into words the confusion and frusterations i have been feeling... but i cant. i'm sort of going numb again.Like I'm too far out to return where i started..yet I dont have the energy to move on. So i have stranded myself in this state of avoidance and desolation. If that makes any sense. It does to me so I'm sorry if you feel left out.I have been feeling a little more hopeful lately. The past few weeks my mind defintly hasnt been where it should be..I've been sort of struggling with something that could potentially create many regrets. This appealing situation has drawn me in a few times but I know its not what i should be doing and I would like to discontinue before i get myself hurt. So I'm trying to start anew. Climb out of this hole I've created for myself... so I can see the beauty in things again... in people. I hate feeling so cynical. And not being able to see the sincerety in people like i used to. I just see the faults. I'm not sure how to remedy this. But I know in time it will change. God is good... ya know? Have you ever turned on the radio and swore that the song was playing just for you? Or looked at the most beautiful sunset and know that it was your sunset? Or listen to the crashing waves on an isolated beach and hear sounds or melodies you think were created in that moment just for you to hear? No matter how down or far away from everything i feel.. i still catch those moments and they are so precious to me. Even when I'm not trying to communicate with God.. he finds ways to let me know He's still there watching.. waiting. Its a good thing he's willing to wait. And he continues to love all the time. I love the fact that he is completely in love with me. And isnt judging me because of all the little things i do that i know i shouldnt. He doesnt give me ultimatums..or cut me out of the family line because of mistakes i make. he doesnt condemn me for listening to secular music or curse me for not going to church on sundayy nights or wednesdays. Yes I konw he wants me to be a devoted follower of him. And He does get disappointed with me..im sure of it.. but he never forgets to send me those sweet little reminders that he's still here loving...its okay to mess up.. i am freaking human. i am a stuggling child of God and hey... i dont have everything figured out. I never will. People arent perfect. churches arent perfect. they never have been. so we adapt. how? i have no clue. Hi..my name is sarah.. and i am a sinoholic. You are lying if you say you are not one too. Join me in helping one another to overcome this stagnant, cynical state of mind. I cant go on like this...it hurts too much. I miss really living life and loving it..not just letting the days pass with meaningless ritual.

Please....lets move on... together.

the one song that can soothe all my frusterations...

"Come My Way"

Hundreds come from everywhere
Just to see your face and touch the healer's hand
Desperate, I push through the crowd
If I could touch your clothes
I could feel your power

Come my way

Please look
And notice me
Just to release my pain
Just to know your name

Come my way I'm out of touch
I'm out of reach
I've got the faith to believe
Am I out of touch or out of reach
What would it take for you to walk towards me

I'm out of touch, out of reach
But I'm running towards you and it's all I believe

Come my way

Just a touch


Written by Skillet

(I'm sorry I dont know what website you can go to listen to it...)

So my brother got married April 29th. This was the huge wedding party. If you want to see more pictures go here...
http://www.flickr.com/photos/79516616@N00/

I will hopefully be adding more soon.

Its amazing what can happen in one week

I love you.

My heart hurts for my girls.
Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your family.


you know it

wow...

can someone punch me because I really can't believe that my brother is married...

so many mixed emotions.

tell you all later.

is that a banana in your pocket?

I am sitting in a hotel in alabama.. and my computer actually works. The ride down yesterday was very long and tiring. We left my house around 530am and got here around 6. We stopped at a mall for like an hour, though, so we couldve made it sooner. Its been fun bc my entire mom's side of the fam is in this hotel... so there hasn't been a dull moment, thats for sure. So waht's planned for today: bridal luncheon at noon-- i guess for the bridal party? not sure...-- then rehearsal tonight. It will definilty be interesting to see how all us bridal party (10 on each side) will fit on the stage considering the church is a just little bigger than Oak Harbor. Then tomorrow the wedding is at 5. I still cant believe my brother is getting married. SO CRAZY. I love the south. Its so great how they serve sweet tea everywhere.. sometimes it comes included with the meal! It was funny when we went to the mall yesterday.. there were about 9 of us in "traveling clothes" (aka we looked like bums) and we would walk past people in the mall that would just stop and stare... it was hIlarius.

great conversation of the day:
this morning my grandma was holding a banana and i was like, "Hey ma, put that banana in your pocket"
so she did, and my response, "Ma, is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
She rolled her eyes, took it out of her pocket, and laughed.
I enjoyed it, goodtimes.

anyhow.. that is my update.

Chrissi-- I hope all goes well with your party tomorrow... I know you all will have so much fun... sorry I am missing it. LOVE YOU!

do i hear wedding bells in the near future?

.........

my new favorite [lame] awesome joke...

Answer all 4 questions....

1. How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?

2. How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?

3. The Lion king is hosting an animal conference in the forest. All of the animals come but one... which one doesnt come?

4. You are walking and come to a river you must cross that alligators live in. How do you get across?



answers to come later....

life lessons

So.... I feel like I've been leaving you all in the dark.. not like there's that much in my life you can see if there was light anyway.
well... hmm... my brother is getting married 3 weeks from today. Completly crazy but I'm happy for him. I actually have mixed emotions about it sometimes.it jsut depends what day it is.. but today i feel good about it. We had a small (like 9 person) shower for Trishia today. JUst fam and close friends. It was fun..they are all crazy. But i love them. Its good to spend time with Trishia.. it doesnt happen all that often because she works so much and when she's home either we're all sleeping or I'm out somewhere. Tonight I think we are all goingto Liberty's passion play. Should be good. If any of you have caught the recent Skyline commercials with the guy driving the convertible with ladies in the car... or the one where his hair is on fire or something... he is going to be Jesus in the production...he also helps out with the youth at Liberty. He;s my brother's friend...he's such a ham.
So recently... in about 5 weeks i have finals..which is crazy. I feel like i just started at CCU. Future plans... right now I am planning on going to cincy state next year for nursing. I may start classes this summer but that all depends on my personal motivation, which I dont have much of at this point.
It's been a difficult year (and a half). Lets break it down:
-went on the most incredible adventure of my life thus far... Israel, Jordan, Paris
-(^also the beginning of my questioning things in life)
-graduated highschool
-chrissi moved (aka blue ice cream buddy!)
-megan...best friend from highschool...moved to new york
-started school at CCU
-emily..cousin my age... got married in november and moved to florida
-scott and i had a pretty bad fallout
-church drama
-^watching my friends as they go through incredible emotional pain
-I eloped last weekend and didnt tell anybody
-I'm about to separate from my church family
-brett got engaged, she moved in with us, and they are soon to be married


so basically... in summary i blame some of this on chrissi. She used to tell me that I depended on people too much and that one day God was going to take those people from me so that I would look to him instead of others (that wasnt word for word, but you get it). God has taken some very close people from me... but not in death.. in life. They have all moved on to a new chapter in life. Which is great for them. I love that for them but I just hate not seeing those people as much anymore. By the grace of God scott and i reconciled some things too... put our pride aside (that was sorta cheezy rhyming :) And he has brought other great people into my life... or should i say more into my life than they were. But I still love and miss those that are far away.
for the other stuff.... I'm still learning..still questioning. I'm not where I want to be in my relationsihp with God at all. I dont even know where to be right now or how to start. It sucks (for lack of better words) to have a part of your faith completely shattered before your eyes. But I konw that I have and will continue to learn so much from everything. And I'm excited when I think about how glorious it will be when I can look back and see how things have changed.. and how i have changed for the better. God is bringing something good out of this. You and I both know it. We just have to hold on together and help eachother get through the rough patches. I'm here for you always. I hope you know that.

I hope you all are doing great. Please update.. I'd really love to know what's going on personally in your lives... and I know i suck at updating but I will try to do more of it.
I love you dearly.


Just remember: "with your true heart devoted to Him jsut watch and see that what He gives is exactly what you truly wanted, but dared not dream to ask for."

Yahweh,
I sit here confused... with this completely tainted picture of you in my head. I want to know the real you. I long to see you for who you really are and not what other people project you as. Show me the real meaning of Christian and how to live that life as you intended. There are broken people all around... help us pick up the pieces and put them back together to create an even greater love, joy, and faith than before.
I know you are right here holding my hand. I want to do the right things... i want to be the person you want me to be... without the insecurities and blemishes. I want to radiate you. But I'm not sure i know how to do that or be that person right now...
not until I know who you are really.
I'm ready to learn......
**

The Age of Innocence

So today i was just doing nothing when the mail arrived.. little did I know at the time that it would completely change my life! So I recieved a letter that I initially thought was from world vision. As I looked closer at the picture staring at me from the plastic on the inside, I realized that it was my picture that i had entered in an online contest a few months ago. I quickly opened the letter that said my picture was advancing to the final competition to be held this summer... which has a great chance of winning one of over 114 cash or gift prizes.. including the $1,000 Grand Prize!! or the $10,000 annual grand prize!! I know that I'm no great photographer or anything (yet:) and that this is just a small amateur contest, but I am so excited!! The coolest part is that my photo is getting published in a photo book called "Endless Journeys". I know my photo will just be lost in this sea of beautiful pictures... so its not like mine is extra special..but it is still something to be proud of. and I am very proud!! but it didnt actually change my life... i was exaggerating at the beginning of this rambling nonsense. I have already posted this pic on here but just so you can see which one it is I'll post again...

These children are absolutely beautiful. I didn't even tell them to stand like that.. they did it themselves. Oh how I want to go back to Dominica!!!

My brother is getting married in just 5 weeks!! I cant believe that at all. They are still looking for an apartment. Lindsay and Daniel are supposed to be moving back in around May-ish..? I love having my family here.. but if Brett and Trishia arent out by the time linz and dan move in... I'll be getting out of here. I'll stay at the g-parents or soemthing. But theres no way i could handle all of them in one house. Arent they cute?...........
(Yes i took this one too!)

Sorry Its been awhile since I've posted. I just havent really been in the mood i guess lately. But I still think of you all often!
I love you and
you know it.

maybe I'll just quit and go work at a bar

So today when I came into work my mom was talking to this lady that happened to walk in and ask if they were hiring. We aren't really..unless one of us quits... but thats besides the point. So me and mom were driving to lunch and she was telling me about this lady and how qualified she was. The only thing she didn't like about her was that the lady said if they couldnt give her enough hours it was okay bc she'd probably just go work at a bar or something part time too. So my mom was like "That already gives her a stereotype of the kind of person she is". So I sat there thinking (that doesnt give her a stereotype.. YOU give her that stereotype..) and I was like "so what kind of person is she, mom?"
"well... the kind that works at a bar"
And that was an irritating response.
So I came back with something like "that doesnt make her a bad person. And I understand why someone would want to work at a bar."
so at this point i can feel her annoyance with me. "I'm not saying i would do it or anything.. but people make a lot of money being bartenders.. it makes sense."
So we went back and forth for a few minutes and she ended with "You are becoming a complete liberal!"

What?! What the heck do politics have anything to do with this? I wouldnt consider myself on either end of that spectrum at this point, and me saying that i dont disagree with someone's reasoning to work at a bar definitly doesnt make me a liberal.
Her defining of people and intolerance is so irritating!!

She's definitly worried about me. It's sort of humorous in a way because as I'm becoming more open minded and accepting of people, she sees that as me being pulled into the world or something and I'm about ready to fall off the edge. Maybe me arguing with her so much and playing devil's advocate isn't helping that any.

I love my mom, but sometimes I realize how bad I need to get away from here for a bit.

beauty from pain

I was looking through a journal from a few months ago and came across something I had written when I was in the prayer room on Aug. 26, 2005. I wrote down what God was saying to me:

Sarah,
It is I. I will never leave you or forsake you. Have faith in me and I will guide you where I want you to be. Don't be afraid, for I am always with you. Stay with me and follow me all all times. When you need me I will pick you up and carry you. You are and will always be my child. Have faith, my daughter. I will never leave you or let you go from my grip. Listen to what I tell you. Do not be foolish. Stray from temptations. Remember that I will NEVER give you too much that you can't handle, or put you in a situation that you don't have a way to get out of. You know what to do. I have already told you. Stop being so stubborn and open yourself up to my words. Do not worry- it doesn't help anything in any way. TRUST ME. Pray and call out to me daily. I love you. When you feel alone -look beside you- I will be there holding your hand.
Do not cry, my child. I am here.

Joshua 1:9 Be strong and courageous; do not be terrified, do not be discouraged for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.


That is a big thing for me to have written something like that. Becuase I'm not the greatest listener and don't often recieve (or hear) clear words from God. I wish that I could listen to that and believe and live by it. My hope has just shattered alot since then. I know He is there always..I can feel him. i just have this tendency to hold him at a distance at times in my life.

Don't hesitate to fill in your name where mine is.. He is speaking to you to. And I hope you are encouraged by His words.
____________________________________________________________________________________

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
and there'll be beauty from pain

-Superchick

my frusteration with celebrities

DOes anyone else get frusterated with this? http://www.worldvision.org/about_us.nsf/child/eNews_africa_030706?Open&campaign=1316011&cmp=EMC-1316011 There's all these people starving over there when celebrities are getting paid millions of dollars to act stupid (or act very well) in front of the world for entertainment! Did you see that correctly.. yes i said MILLIONS. You know how much food that could provide for people in Africa? Is it so hard to sacrifice like one paycheck to starving children? Really? I'm sorry... its just irritating to read this kind of stuff and know that it doesnt have to happen because there really IS enough money and food in the world to prevent it.

beating heart baby

oh summertime... how i miss you so.... So now my vacation options are: new york, florida, michigan, or colorado... I'd really love to go overseas but we all know i definitly dont have the money for that.. nor would i anytime soon. Road trips are fun... too bad my car probably wouldnt make it very far. So last sunday i went to crossroads church with my brother and friends. It was good. It wasnt like such a magnificent event or anything but being there i just felt so... refreshed. Theres alot thats been going on in my head and the week leading up to last sunday i felt beat... i had beaten myself up thinking about crap and just felt depressed. I was emotional from the minute i sat down for church. At the end of the service some awesome lady singers sang this song that I swear God was directing right at me. the words that caught me were "I love you more". That simple. It was such a great and big reminder as I sat and felt so little in that church of so many. "I love you more". Thats just beautiful to me and its hard to explain the picture I had in my head when those words were sung. I'm sorry i cant accurately share that with you. The service was about keeping God your center... not allowing money, possessions, status, or even people become your god. I do that a lot. And thats why i think i felt so crazy that week... I didnt let God in when i needed him the most. And im still keeping Him unintentionally at a distance. well i guess it is intentional if i know im doing it. But im trying not to. As far as the school stuff... i still dont know what im doing. my latest plan was to go to cincy states 2 year program. Theres like a 2 year waiting list or something though... but its better than waiting 5 years for UC. I dont even know if i love the idea of nursing... i just know it would be a good, secure job.. meaning i know i could always find a job... and im hoping to someday stay or even live for awhile in a different country.. and they always need nurses (like 3rd world countries). How great would that be? And completely rewarding to help people. oh i hate thinking about it bc it makes me want to go and again.. i have a limited source of money. So at this point it cant happen. but one day. "I love you more" 9And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, 10so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God. 11May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, 12giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. colossians 1:9-12

Hey, here's an idea...

If you aren't already... sponsor a child. You can pick where the child is from, what he/she looks like, basically anything your heart desires. You can provide so much for a child with just a small amount, and some prayer. Just think about it. http://www.worldvision.comcom

crazy cool medallions

So once apon a time a girl tried to put a video on her blog... the video never showed up but the "I LOVE IT" did... making no sense to the readrs.... so... in conclusion... I AM THAT GIRL! and the stupid blog wont letme delete that last post. Sorry the video didnt show. I dont remember what it was but im sure it was freakin hilarious. I've been a basketcase today... went to chapel this morning.... a first in awhile. It was pretty good. But whenever i sit down for any kind of service lately I've gotten in this bad habit of reading or writing.... anything having to do with not listening to the speaker... but i had to focus myself back in today. THen i had class...eh... paper is due NEXT thurs instead of this thurs! thats excitinng. anyone wanna write it for me? Its about free speech on college campus. I'm totally burnt out from writing papers the past few weeks. Like so much that I am really considering not ever writing another one. For me writing a paper is like sticking a knife in my arm and twisting it around a few times. YES>....THAT PAINFUL. I'm being dramatic here... but it is torturous. On the way to work after class I started gettting that feeling back of I WANNA GET THE HECK OUTA HERE! Like leave everything.... work, school, church, friends... im sorry friends..i love you i just want to be anywhere but here sometimes. The feeling isnt as strong right this second but its still there. We had dinner tonight with my sis and her beau... it was good. I miss my sister. I never see her anymore... its good to be together..we just laugh at everything. Maybe if i spend more time with her i wont feel so crazy all the time. wow... life... this time last year was so much different. Getting ready to go to Israel with my crazy girls... trying to decide where to go to school. Actually... besides going to israel i guess things arent that much different... im still trying to deicde where to go to school. I know what i want to do now I just lack the motivation to go through with it. sometimes i wish i wouldve stayed on campus at ccu. I really think i would love it right now. I just seclude mjyself so much sometimes. i hate it. i keep up a huge wall. im so freaking insecure. alright.... enough self-analyzing... i dont feel like hating myself right now. TO all my faithful readers... I LOVE YOU!! and thanks for being my friend...in spite of learning how my crazy brain works.

i love it!